We are breaking down the story of Job today ladies and gentlemen. Strap in here because this probably relates to a lot of you.

In this Bible story from the book of Job, there is a wealthy man named Job residing in an area called Uz with his extended family and vast flocks. He is “blameless” and “upright,” constantly mindful to live in a righteous manner. God brags to Satan about Job’s virtue, but Satan contends that Job is only righteous because God has favored him generously. Satan dares God that, if given the approval to inflict suffering, Job will change and curse God. God permits Satan to abuse Job to experiment with this brazen claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the manner.

First of all what kind of name is Job? Also, because I know you think its pronounced like its spelled, its not so stop saying job. Its pronounced like “Jobe” (Joeb if it please the court). God went for the early heat check here on Satan. This has the makings of the Nick Young celebrating the 3 too early Gif. If I am being honest God fell into this trap like a billionaire to Epstein’s Island. From what I am seeing there was not much convincing the devil had to do to get God in on this bananaland experiment. Satan was like G man I fucking dare you to let me fuck with this guy there’s no shot in Hell he actually likes you. The man upstairs knows Satan is probably right as he completely fucked up making that Adam guy and was still getting the hang of creating people. But to say no was to show weakness and away we went at the expense of this poor unsuspecting fella.

Over the time of one day, Job is given four reports, each informing him that his sheep, servants, and ten children have all died due to thieving intruders or natural disasters. Job rips his clothes and shaves his head in sorrow, yet he still praises God in his prayers. Satan arrives in heaven again, and God allows him another opportunity to test Job. This time, Job is distressed with terrible skin sores. His wife urges him to denounce God and to give up and die, but Job protests, trying to endure his inflictions.

Holy Moly that escalated quickly. I was thinking maybe we have him stub his toe really hard, maybe a strap on his sandal breaks so his foot keeps coming out of it. Nah man lets completely fuck him up. Take away everything. In fairness to the devil, he probably never thought God would agree to this so he wanted to get everything out before he changed his mind. Love how our guy Job just had everyone and everything around him die and he shaves his head. That’s his way of coping let me get rid of my hair. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I was in his situation, but I will tell you I wouldn’t be shaving my head. How about the Almighty seeing all that happen in one (1) day and calling Satan back up to heaven? “You sandbagging son of a bitch, get back up here lets see how much more he can take” God calls down to the Devil. The devil at this point is like dude you win this guy is still on your side and God says nah man let’s go what else you got I wanna see this dude HURTING.

Three of Job’s companions, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, arrive to comfort him, sitting with Job in silence for seven days out of reverence for his grieving. On the seventh day, Job talks, starting a discussion in which each of the four men shares his reflections on Job’s troubles in poetic descriptions.

Now these guys have cool names. They sat in silence for a week. A WEEK. None of them had jobs? How in the world do you just sit there for 7 days not saying anything? This is the point in the story where it seems fiction, but we’ll push on.

Job damns the day he was born, relating life and death to light and darkness. He hopes that his birth had been obscured in darkness and desires to have never been born, believing that life only increases his suffering. Eliphaz replies that Job, who has comforted other people, now reveals that he never actually knew their pain. Eliphaz concludes that Job’s pain must be due to some sin Job has acted, and he recommends Job to seek God’s favor. Bildad and Zophar agree that Job must have performed evil to provoke God’s justice and argue that he should attempt to manifest more innocent behavior. Bildad supposes that Job’s children brought their deaths upon themselves. Even worse, Zophar suggests that whatever wrongdoing Job has done he likely deserves more suffering than what he has experienced.

How about sitting with these dudes for a week in silence then having them ether you because G man and S to the atan wanted to have a little fun at your expense lmao. These guys are fake as fuck and honestly I forget what happens at the end but I’m hoping maybe we have another “test” involving them. They’re getting so personal here and blaming all this shit on Job and saying all ten of his children brought their deaths upon themselves. I mean how is that even possible? How in the world does Job just take this? Zophar must’ve had a Bang or something cause this boy brought the casket out with his last remark. I imagine he got up and was walking away and turned ever so slowly just his head and whispered that last line to Job. Maybe even smirked at the end and just walked away. God and Satan have the movie theater popcorn up there laughing their asses off at this unexpected development. God keeps looking over at Satan and all the devil keeps doing is holding his hands up saying, “I swear man I’m not doing any of this, Zophar is a savage”. God takes a mental note to circle back around to these 3 see what’s going on with them as this wasn’t even part of the plan. He quietly realizes he may have let the J man make those lads. “He’s coming along” God reflects “but he’s young he probably forgot a few ingredients”. Unbeknownst to him Jesus had poked his head into the room and saw it all happen. He realized those were the last 3 he made that day before quickly dashing out to a basketball game.

God eventually intervenes, commanding Job to be brave and explains various detailed features of his creation. Overcome by the appearance of God, Job recognizes God’s infinite power and accepts the constraints of his human understanding. This response pleases God, but he is upset with Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar for emitting lousy advice. Job reconciles on their behalf, and God forgives them. God then restores Job’s health, granting him twice as much property as before, new children, and remarkably long life. In the end, Job never completely gave up hope or faith in God as an inspiration to everyone enduring suffering of their own.

Alright skipped a little but this is the end. Basically, what we missed was Job called his friends “worthless physicians”. Yea I know. I can’t imagine that was a good burn back then. That has Bryson going back at Brooks written all over it. The ratio he would’ve had under that tweet would’ve broken twitter. God sees this happen and knows he finally has to step back in. “Job my boy, what the fuck was that? Worthless physicians? I mean I felt bad looking at all this go down but now I just feel awful. You guys sat in silence for a week and that was what you came up with? I was going to give you all your shit back for believing in me, but now I am really having second thoughts” God proclaims. “Lord it is amazing to see you I knew you were real” Job exclaims to the heavens. “Yea yea I’m here, but if I give you all your stuff back and something extra can you never say worthless physician again?” God booms down. “Job takes a deep breath and against his judgement promises this to God. He gets all his stuff back and before leaving God says one more thing to him. “By the way dude what is good with your friends are they always like that? I mean that wasn’t even part of the test if you were wondering, I was watching Satan the whole time he wasn’t influencing them at all.” Job has no words and just nods. His hair grows back eventually and with it a beard. He starts wearing an all-black suit and goes after those 3 that had wronged him after they kill the dog his wife gave him with her dying breath. This is the story of how Job became John Wick.