Well That’s Just Jewish Thinking: Yiddish

Well That’s Just Jewish Thinking: Yiddish

Oy Vey. Listen to this Bullshit. It’s that time of year again when your entire family meets up and starts hocking phlegm like a slutty college freshman spitting loads. As you all trundle into the synagogue, you listen to your family yammering about who’s grandson is the bigger Mensch. Looking over at your brother slamming a fifth of Manischewitz. Yea… not going to be him. Then your attention turns to your cousin who is strenuously finishing his 7th Sudoku puzzle of the day after banking a few G’s on insurance claims. You’re 10, stop defrauding the government Adam. You aren’t allowed to start scheming until you’ve been bar mitzvahed. You look over and see your aunt using the same tissue from last week holy shit. Literally about to doze off already when a feeble voice starts echoing throughout the impressively dilapidated temple. Mhmm, Yiddish!

It flows off the tongue like dip spitting with cotton mouth. A truly impressive torture device instituted by the first Rabbis, Yiddish is sure to suck the life out of your kids in one fell swoop. Just like circumcision, you must sit there and take it. Don’t worry, no matter the holiday all sermons will be longer than 2 hours. Especially on one holiday, you can watch all the Lord of the Rings movies (Extended edition obviously) back to back to back and the Passover Seder would still be going on. This shit is worse than the slow death from growing bamboo torture. No kid should endure this.


But Bcal, on a serious note, what is Yiddish?

Well, not to beat a dead analogy, but Yiddish is treated the same way Black Speech is when Gandalf utters it in Rivendell. Lord Elrond loses his shit. It’s an extremely old language, with a bloody and mythological history, that everyone absolutely hates listening to outside of pre-designated zones (the temple, or a curb your enthusiasm episode).


But Bcal, if that’s the case, why is it so prevalent in Jewish culture and practices?



We’re nothing if not a nostalgic people.


But Bcal, why do I automatically hate your religion and associate it with greed and dirt?

That’s too easy. The Italians were the peasants of the world and used the Jews as a shield to absorb all the hate. We’re basically the same if you really think about it.


But Bcal, that makes no sense and you clearly have no grasp on the geographical history of the Mediterranean Middle East!

Yea okay fuck off, I’m imaginative.


Baruch atah, I don’t care Eloheinu, Munch-box haolam, asher kid’shanu Reeves, b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu, malaria and leeks, ner shel Hanukkah. Thank god we spoke that JibYid (Gibberish Yiddish), now we can light this flaccid candle and spin some dried clay around. Boy we really sucked at killing time in the desert. When your God created the earth, he said inspiring things like, “let there be light” and created beautiful colors. Our God created an oasis in the desert, surrounded by people with mortars and attitudes, and kicked the only Jew out who was crazy enough to speak to a burning bush and wander the dunes for 40 years to find the fucking place. But since Moses didn’t know the Yiddish form of “God can we have some fucking water please and without any of your devilish tricks?”, he drank from that secret God stash and got kicked out. Fuck off Yahweh. Last I heard, Moses was outside those pearly gates turning tricks for a dentist’s cup worth of water. Still fighting the good fight against this terrible language. We must continue it while we have strength left. RISE UP MY BROTHERS!


JK. The only thing I need to be hearing is my boss shutting the windows while handing me a cig. Actually, hold up Jefe, open the windows just a bit; I heard the hills are alive with the buzz of nicotine. Pce.

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