An Expert’s Guide to Ranking Four Loko

An Expert’s Guide to Ranking Four Loko

If there is one thing I love more than smoking cigs indoors, it’s Four Loko. I truly believe it’s the greatest alcoholic beverage ever created, and also falls into my Top 3 of all drinks. So as you could imagine, many people come up to a “loko connoisseur” such as my self quite often, often asking about which flavors they should get. To make it easy for everyone, today I’ll be ranking all 8 of their camo series flavors.

8. Sour apple

It should come as no surprise that sour apple is ranked last, because it straight up taste like shit. It’s the only one I actually won’t ever drink. This shit screams “junior-high chick who’s tryna get railed by a jock at Homecoming”. Along with this, it’s simply way too sour and almost impossible to shotgun, which is the way lokos were meant to be consumed.

7. Watermelon

November 2010 is a month that will forever live in infamy. Four loko announces that they will be changing their recipe to remove the caffeine, Guarana, and taurine- three of the Four key ingredients in four loko. Now, if I were making this list prior to November 2010, watermelon would have been at the top of it. Unfortunately, after four loko sold out to the dick heads over at the FDA, they weren’t able to get that same great melony flavor back.

6. Grape

Again, another flavor that since they got rid of the original recipe they just couldn’t make it as good. Still grape lokos aren’t too bad, just not the kind you wanna be drinking everyday. Consistency is key when it comes to consuming lokos, trust a daily drinker of them like myself, and that is a trait that Grape simply doesn’t possess.

5. Strawberry-lemonade

Not too popular in the eyes of the general public, but it’s about as average as average can come. Strawberry-lemonade is a pretty right down the middle flavor. The Andy Dalton of Four Loko if you will. You know what you’re gettin’ every time.

4. Peach

Peach is pretty solid flavor considering real peaches are disgusting. It’s as reliable as they come always gonna be present in the loko section of every gas station.

3. Black

Black is the newest flavor that they’ve come out with in their 14% campaign. Aside from the fact that it looks disgusting, it’s surprisingly delicious and there’s nothing better than that extra 2% of malt liquor in a can.

2. Fruit Punch

I’m a big fan of anything fruit punch flavored, and the fruit punch FourLoko will always have a special place in my heart because I once drank 6 in one day and lived to tell the tale. (Humble brag)

1. Gold

At this point, I’m tired of writing, and I’m not a fan of long blogs, probably because I read at a 3rd grade level so I’ll wrap it up. Gold taste like Red Bull, it’s 14% as opposed to the traditional 12%, and it’s the smoothest one to shotgun.

I don’t give a shit about your opinion or what you think on the matter so don’t hit me up on twitter @willyums127

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