Beav’s Power Rankings for the 2021 Golf Season
editor’s note: this article was written by guest contributor, Brian O’Sullivan
Picture this. It’s 2:37 on a Saturday. You had to book a twilight rate because Beav fucking sucks and you’ll have to be quick to get all 18 in. As you stand in the teebox looking out into the first fairway, the stench of freshly cut grass mixed with the bogey bcals already sucking down fill your nostrils and you think to yourself, “ready to roll”.
There are still many golf weekends left in the 21 season. We will most likely play until there is snow on the ground. However, we here at cigs indoors would like to reflect a bit; and take the time to enlighten you, the reader, on some of the ups and downs this season has brought us. Additionally we will discuss some of the strengths and weaknesses of each of the boys, and talk through some controversial rankings results. Let’s get into it.
We’ll start from the bottom up and leave some anticipation and drama out on the table. Now ideally we would like to have a top 10 ranking system. The problem here is some of the boys only get out once or twice a year and ranking them would truly be unfair to them. Too small of a sample size to critique might lead to some discouragement but hopefully through this article we can inspire them to get out and smack it more next season.
8. David (Drizzy) (Meyers)
Dave shocked a number of us this summer at our first annual pre fantasy football draft golf outing. Watching him on the range prior to the round was interesting to say the least. There was definitely some good technique and you could tell there were positive building blocks in his swing. Problem with Dave is he now lives some 500+ miles from us and can’t play as frequently as he may like. But to his credit he has been to the range down there in North Carolina and is looking better and better with each video he sends us. He has lost damn near 100 lbs and you can’t help but to think it has helped his golf game. If my memory serves correctly, Dave hit a crucial putt during the round to tie up the score and leave all 8 of us in awe that the score was actually tied. Decent off the tee box with a surprisingly good short game. Dave is a sneaky sleeper pick to climb the rankings heading into 2022 and only has up to go from here. We are excited to see his progress next season.
7. Ethan (Esandy) (AK)
Esandy is an interesting golfer but can get the job done if need be. He may be the only guy I know to whip out his driver on a par 3 and somehow win a closest to the pin competition. Confidence? No one on the course has more than him. He talks the most shit of anyone on this list but as of right now he backs it up. My man walks up to the tee box and drops the hammer. He knows he might not find a fairway but he’s just going to go up there and swing for the green 10 times out of 10. Once a consistent member of the frequent weekend foursomes, a move to queens only hurt his draft stock. The now “king of the apartment” does not play as much as he used too, and thus reflects his lower ranking. Instead of investing in some new golf clubs he decided to buy an Ak-47 so I wouldn’t fuck with him if I were you. Just saying.
6. Cody (Kullowski) (Legolas)
Few and far between outings this summer has landed Kullowski much lower in the rankings than prior to 2021. An injury-riddled season has kept him from performing at his peak. Kullowski now possesses an overall body fat percentage of -10%. I mean the guy is fucking shredded. His results in the gym have been both a curse and a blessing for his golf game. On the negative side, he hurts his back every other week. He’s missed quite a few rounds this summer as a result. On the other hand, a shot from 150 out that would lead golfers to most likely use a 7-iron, Kullowski will approach with his fucking pitching wedge and launch it. I mean he easily out hits anyone else’s irons and somehow even clears the green from unthinkable range. A true marvel to behold. Kullowski’s pre shot wiggle and extremely narrow stance completely distract you from the fact that he has a seemingly perfect lie on every single shot. It makes little to no sense to us here at Cigs Indoors. Whatever. A downside to his game is the tee box. The man refuses to get a driver but it’s understandable considering how well he hits his 3 wood. When Kull connects he’s easily level with or even further than the drives of some other players. Consistency off the tee box plagues him a bit but overall his game is solid. Look for Kullowski to get back into his top 3 position of the rankings next season.
5. Steven (Steve) (Lil Cig) (Island Boi)
Steve C has progressed well over the course of this season. He’s played a lot more than in years passed and you can certainly tell the difference. Steve’s been averaging a score of mid to low 80’s if you count the rounds he plays with his correction officer buddies. Somehow the guy shoots -20 less when he plays with them than when he plays with us. Maybe we just make him nervous. Maybe he’s full of shit, who knows? In any event, his ball striking has much improved, though he has the occasional chunk as most of us do. His short game has gotten much better than years passed and we can only conclude it’s a result of playing more. His awful work schedule has made playing consistent rounds with him hard, but he finds the time he needs to get out there and smack it. We’ll look for Lil Cig to continue to climb the rankings through next season.
4. Brandon (Bcal) (Butch)
Butch is a completely new man compared to who he was last year. We won’t go into too much detail but the guy has found a love for the game of golf and we’re lucky to be able to share the track with him. Butch seems to be the only man we can think of who has gained weight since he stopped boozing. But man when this guy gets behind one he absolutely launches it. Guy can hit it as far as anyone else on the list if not further. People on the course can’t help but admire Butch on the tee box. Well, some look in admiration and others for safety precautions. See Butch hits it far but sometimes one, maybe two fairways over from the hole we are actually playing on. I’ve even seen/heard him yell “fore” immediately after making contact with the ball. Like he had no idea where it was going but he wanted to make sure other golfers were safe. What a nice guy. Butchs slicing issue lands him a tad lower on the list than he would probably like but nonetheless a solid season and rank for an up and coming golfer. A knock for him is the tendency for him to become unable to finish a round. The guy just can’t get through 18 holes. Is it fatigue? Does his body breakdown? No, Butch’s internal temperature rises to the point where he thinks he’s having a heat stroke and simply cannot go on. Could it be a mental thing? We don’t know. We do know that he shows up to the first tee with numerous Poland springs and at minimum one full pack of cowboy killers. Through the cig smoke he leaves on the tee box, a golf phenom is taking shape. Excited to see his play in 2022.
3. Brian (Beav) (Fatass)
A solid number of outings this season and more than a few free range sessions for Beav lands him at 3 on the power rankings. A lot has changed in Beav’s swing this season including swing speed and grip. He has moved to an interlocking grip and has tried numerous times to not try to hit the ball as hard as he can. Tempo, Tempo, Tempo. Consistency is a bit of a problem for him. Guy might par one hole and then snowman/max the next. Irons and hybrids have come a long way but putting is his kryptonite. I mean he can’t stop touching himself around the green. At times the touch of a rapist honestly. His 3 wood has become a saving grace and can usually save him if he can’t get off the tee box. He just got a new driver that is a bit inconsistent but has produced some great shots. Much like his peloton he needs to stop using the driver when things start going bad. Look for him to become more comfortable with it next season. Beav also tends to get way too fucked up on the course, as he is a huge proponent of parking lot beers before the round. He’ll start out a round shitty, then get better when the beers start flowing. But then by the end of the round he’s wasted and can’t figure out which hole he’s playing. We’re all for greasing the joints a bit but damn beaver put down the fucking beer. Big things to come for the kid in 2022. Weird how I wrote that whole piece in third person right? You may have though I brought in someone else to write that summary for me because of that but no I wrote that myself.
2. Mathew (Pro) (ESM’s John Tucker)
First off, congrats to the kid on the new promotion. We hope Canada treats you well. Jk, hopefully Pro can come back to NY so we can continue to get rounds in with him. Undoubtedly this years most improved player. This guy hits straight piss missiles off the tee. Him and the wind don’t cross paths too much. There are scintillating seeds and then there are the pissed on balls Pro hits out of the tee box. Only guy I’ve ever seen get backspin with a hybrid. Guy loves his hybrid more than his gf (Sorry Kelly). He would putt with his hybrid if he could. But boy he smacks the shit out of it. You need to hit the pin from 220 out? Look no further as Pro is your guy. Your best chance of knocking off our soon to be named number 1 ranked golfer is if Pro is on your team. But lets be honest, that still isn’t happening.
1. Conor (Cmac) (Coom brain)
A surprise to literally none of us. Cmac takes the top spot. Hard to find someone more consistent than him. Cmac just finds fairways. Simply put. One of the most boring swings we’ve ever seen. But effective. Cmac finding a fairway is as certain as death and taxes. The guy swings effortlessly and gets the ball where he needs it to be. You may be able to out drive him, but he’s putting a FIR into his 18 birdies app while you may be somewhere in the trees. An impeccable short game on top of it. Guy can get within 5 feet of the pin from anywhere inside of 150. Cmacs the kind of guy you sandbag with. You got a round with the coworkers? Maybe your gf’s friends boyfriends? You need a partner you get Cmac. Tell them your friend is decent. Than you sit back and watch as he crushes their hopes and dreams. The Michael Jacob’s of the group. You bring your swing inefficiencies to cmac and he’ll help you iron em out. Good lad he is. And composure? You’d be hard pressed to find someone with more. You just can’t get in Cmacs head no matter how much shit you talk. Only possible way to throw him off is to show him a picture of the retarded horse from family guy. Cmac will most likely keep his number 1 rank for a long time but you never know. Look for some more boringly consistent rounds from him next season.
Did Beav just say being the best was boring? My swing was boring? It’s boring hitting the ball where you aim it… okay.
Well there you have it folks, hopefully I don’t end too many friendships with this article and we can get back to playing soon, Fore!!