One of these 4 will have to make an Onlyfans
The regular season for fantasy is over and the race for last place is shaping up nicely.
Benzola and I were destined for last place the minute our teams were put together while Jake and Beav had to wait a little to get the honor of playing for an onlyfans account. To explain to everyone who is not in our fantasy league, the last place punishment this year is the loser has to make an onlyfans account and make a certain amount of money before deleting (or keeping if people start digging it).
I’d like to do a little profile on each of us to give the people the preview of who might be best at this. Listen I am aware that Johnson is going to be the one everyone wants I get that, but the rest of us have some exceptional qualities that could shine through if done properly. Let’s take a look shall we?
Brian “Beav” O’Sullivan:
Doesn’t have to do his hair
Commitment is not an issue
Doesn’t have to do his hair
Is legally blind without glasses
Yes, Beav’s pros might also be his cons. He’s got a lot going for him though that much is apparent. Beav really did start the season out well only to have his team quit on him midway through. Many people are speculating that he let his focus go to his recent engagement and his team was left on the after burner. While very good for his future it may have come at the cost of his fantasy team. It’s a long season and the managers that weren’t able to inspire their teams all found themselves at the bottom of the standings. In terms of what Beav can bring to the onlyfans table remains to be seen. I think many people would enjoy him writing a long paragraph in black ink lefty. All that ink on his hand would be something special. Possibly a tutorial video of him straight razoring his head would get some people going (myself included). A lot of people look at a bald head and think it’s all over but Beav embraced this from the beginning and in a few years will be a younger Bruce Willis. I know I would get a kick out of a video of him trying to figure out who to invite to his wedding. The process behind that can’t be easy and a peek behind that curtain would have the tips flowing in if you are indeed invited. The last suggestion I have would be to actually have him shave his head without glasses on. Wouldn’t that be something special? Just a blind man trying to get every little stubble on top of that shining noggin. God I’m getting my credit card ready now.
Jake “John” Johnson
My best friend
Can ride a bike with no hands
Well, his hair can’t get wet I don’t know how to interpret that
Whewwwwww, had to fan myself off thinking about the potential of this one. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Where to start here well as you can see the pros heavily outweighs the cons. In fact I couldn’t think of a single con. Don’t cast him in Con-Air cause he wouldn’t be one. HAHA. He could play John Cusack’s role but he was just sweating the whole movie. Johnson had to beat Pro this last week to get in and by God’s heavenly grace his team forgot they had a game. He is the last person added to the Sacko playoff and what an addition he is. Women in all corners of the earth are rooting for his downfall and some men too. Thing about Johnson is he can be sitting on a couch looking at his phone and I’d still pay money to see it. I cannot imagine I’m alone in that thinking. Blue eyes, dark hair, 6 foot I mean what is there not to like here. Couple suggestions I have for him here to maximize the potential. A video of him taking a shower. No, you sickos not for that reason! His hair cannot get wet, the water just rolls off its incredible actually. Many people have said that seeing Lance Armstrong bike in person was life changing. Well, if Jake put a video of him navigating the labyrinth, they call NYC without his hands I think people would see how much of a fraud Lance was. I know people don’t see Lance as a fraud, but I’ve never seen him trying to evade an aggressive taxi. The last one I have is probably one he has already thought of but I would love to see it. A long time lapse video of him growing those luscious bangs out. The very same bangs that had middle school girls slipping in the hallways when he passed by. Whew I really hope he loses.
Chris “Chrissy” Benzola
Can deadlift a small house
Can squat the library of Alexandria
Has a submarine in GTA
Tall (in shoes)
Is short (without shoes)
Keeps fucking up his shoulder
Doesn’t know where his submarine is parked in GTA
Spills red wine
Chris Benzola is a specimen. When Michelangelo was sculpting David out of that messed up block of marble he actually had Chris after a deadlift session in mind. Chris tried to moneyball his way through the season and traded away Travis Kelce for an extra set of wrist straps at the gym. Mind blowing move that you just have to respect. It’s moves like that that people start wondering if he wanted this onlyfans all along. Thing about Chris is, not many people have submarines in GTA. They’re useless and cost a lot of money. But that didn’t hinder Chris from buying one and not using it at all. I think a great first video would be him trying to find the thing under water. Might be a long video but it would be good for people to see the process behind trying to pinpoint an underwater vessel. New Years is coming up and with that comes resolutions. Chris can really corner this market but providing people with lessons on how to not continually fuck their shoulders up at the gym. He’s a master of doing it so people can see what he is doing and know that if they follow that regimen they will not be able to grab the spices on the top shelf. Another great video would be Chris going to an amusement park and trying to ride a roller coaster with shoes and without. It’s going to be close either way but if he wears the right pair of shoes I think he’ll have enough to get on that ride and enjoy it. Bodybuilders all around the globe have to be rooting against Chris here.
Conor “Cmac” McCormick
Cries a lot to Ed Sheeran
Tall (if I lived in Asia)
Has the Ps5 already
Doesn’t have a lot to lose
Lost weight recently
Extremely Small hands
Cries a lot
Hasn’t texted a girl since the iphone came out
Hair gets messed up if I wear a hat
Can never find matching socks
Bets the falcons every week
Last but not least your coom brain commissioner and reigning champion. Seems like just yesterday Aaron Jones broke off that 52 yard touchdown run down the left side to cement myself as champion. I felt bad for everyone else so this year I took it upon myself to draft the worst team possible. Doing zero prep and getting drunk before the draft this year did wonders for my team. I was out of the playoffs early which gave me time to rest my starters ahead of our huge matchup this week. In the unlikely event I do get the onlyfans I think I would have a few things up my sleeve. Obviously I am on the lower end of the good looking bar so I would have to get creative. Listen, men like to cry just as much as women but are afraid to admit it. If I put up a few videos of me in my car crying to Ed Sheeran I think a lot of people would open up more and let their feelings out. Another great idea I had was going to a store and trying to find gloves in the adult section that actually fit me. I have smaller hands than some dolls and usually head right to the kids’ section to cover my fingers. But that is not going to sell is it, I need to sack up and shop with the big boys when it comes to gloves. Another great idea I had was letting my subscribers into my world and watch me try to text a girl. How funny would that be? It would be like watching a baby do a sudoku puzzle. Wouldn’t get the job done but might be entertaining, nonetheless.
Sound off in the comments about who you are most looking forward to and why!