The Canceled Avengers
Hello again everybody, with ‘Avengers: Endgame’ being re-released in theaters, I decided to come up with a pretty neat re-imagining of the whole super team. What-if instead of the heroes we all know and love — we instead replaced them with with canceled celebrities? That would be pretty cool, right? Let’s see what that would look like.
Captain America: Matt Lauer
Starting off with the captain of the team — I think former co-host of ‘NBC’s Today Show’ Matt Lauer would be perfect. Before being exposed as a real piece of shit, Lauer used to run the point for NBC and was the leader of one of the most watched programs on tv.
Deep down, we all know Steve Rogers is a “what would you have done if I kissed you last night” texting motherfucker. So, a charismatic man, who undoubtedly looks like a bitch, like Matt Lauer, would be great. Pump a little
steroids Super Soldier Serum in him, and you have your canceled Captain America.
Iron Man: Elon Musk
I’m really not too sure if Elon Musk has been officially canceled yet? But honestly — I don’t really care, fuck this guy, I’m preemptively canceling him. Elon Musk is like Tony Stark if Tony Stark’s creations worked about a quarter of the time and he tweeted like a 32-year-old incel on a 4chan message board.
Thor: Mel Gibson
If the worthiness of being able to pick up Thor’s hammer was based on who was the most racist/antisemitic — Mel Gibson would 100% be your canceled Thor. And I know what you’re all thinking “What if Mel can’t do a cool accent like Thor” watch ‘Braveheart’ and all of your doubts will calm.
Hulk: Mel Gibson(again)
Wow, Mel Gibson’s second appearance on this list, I see nobody else who is canceled that can play this role better than him. You think it’s bad when Bruce Banner gets angry? You obviously haven’t heard Mel Gibson angry. If you’re Jewish, you better stay out of Mel’s way when you burn his dinner.
Hawkeye: Johnny Depp
Hawkeye is the worst Avenger of all time, the only difference between Hawkeye and me is that he can shoot a bow extremely well. With that being said, Johnny Depp may have shot a bow and arrow in one of the ‘Pirate’s of the Caribbean‘ movies? So obviously, he would be the most qualified canceled celebrity to play Hawkeye.
Black Widow: Keaton’s Mom
I’m sure nobody has forgotten about Keaton and his mom from 2017. Just in case you did — Keaton’s mom posted a video that went viral of her son crying because he was getting bullied in school, but it turns out her son was real racist and so is the whole family. This is just the type of resilience you would need to play the part of canceled Black Widow.
Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier: Kevin Spacey
Not Exactly an original Avenger — however, Kevin Spacey would be perfect as the Winter Soldier. A closet homosexual who would have a secret romantic relationship with Captain America.
Thanos: Alyssa Milano
Of course, your heroes are only as good as their villains, and who would be a better Thanos than the celebrity who helped kick-start the #metoo movement on Twitter. Alyssa Milano’s infinity gauntlet would most likely contain six sacred controversial tweets that would snap any mortal celebrity/person out of the workforce.
Thanks for reading everyone, please let me know who else you would cast in the ‘Canceled Avengers’ movie. Also be sure to listen to the new Cigs Indoors podcast dropping today.