Justin Bieber Has a Death Wish
*Insert Michael Scott “Oh my God, it’s happening gif*.
Well it is official; Justin Bieber has a fucking death wish. There is no other explanation as to why he would challenge Tom Cruise Mathoper to a fight. Weirdly enough that is his real last name, and I think we can all agree he made a good call changing it to Cruise. Anyways, I sure Hope Hailey Baldwin didn’t change her name yet, because if this fight actually goes down, she’ll be a widow.
First of all, why would he do this? Did Bieber just now in the year 2019 of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ find out about a little thing called Scientology? I can believe it.. but to viciously call someone out because of it seems like overkill. Now I know Bieber has gone religious on us, as he’s been seen swapping out mimosas and Sunday Funday with Sunday Mass, but I think JB needs to refer to the New Testament and learn from history so he doesn’t repeat it. Pontius Pilate was the original keyboard warrior, calling out a little-known carpenter from the small town of Nazareth. Sure Pilot won the first round, but our guy JC won the war, rising from the dead and cementing his place in history as a messiah. Pontius was relegated to an afterthought for every day besides Good Friday. Bet he’s rolling over in his grave thinking about all the people named Jesus in South American countries thriving while the one little Italian-boy named Pontius is face down in a toilet just because of his name. When you come at the King (of the Jews) you best not miss. Now I’m not saying Tom Cruise is Jesus, but we knew Peter was really pulling the strings for JC and TC is doing the same for David Miscavige.
Which leaves us with the question of: Who would win this fight? I think it’s pretty obvious that Justin has clearly never seen any of the Mission Impossible movies or Eyes Wide Shut.. otherwise he would’ve deleted Twitter once the thought of fighting Tom popped into his little head. Let’s check the tape and take a look at the list of things both of these guys have beat in their careers:
Aliens (War of the Worlds)
Superman (MI Fallout)
Crazy Filipinos (Tropic Thunder)
The big building in Abu Dhabi (MI Ghost Protocol)
Other Sports Agents (Jerry Maguire)
Dr. Evil (Austin Powers Goldmember)
Vampires (that one movie with him and Brad Pitt as Vampires)
Aliens again (Edge of Tomorrow)
A Mummy (Mummy)
Hitler, ever heard of him? (kinda in Valkyire)
The Sky (Top Gun)
Dyslexia (Thank you Scientology)
American led Japanese troops with gatlin guns (The Last Samurai)
Auditing (Thank you again Scientology)
Animal Crackers (Family Guy)
Now let’s look at what Bieber has bested:
Bad Haircut (When One Time came out)
Wow Bieber, good job dude. You’ve really done a lot, you little bitch.
Maybe for the Beebz the honeymoon stage is over, things started to get a little rocky with his marriage, plus he hasn’t dropped a hit in over a week, so he has slipped into a deep depressed-state and is now simply looking for a method of euthanasia… going after Tom “The Crucifyer” Cruise.
I know Tom probably won’t respond and that’s fine with me he’s always been the bigger person in every sense besides stature, and not to mention more humble while we are on the topic. Trust me, he would take one look at Bieber and deliver one of those 1000 watt smiles and ask where the guy he’s fighting is.
Bieber would respond “right here.” and Tom would then give a little chuckle and say something along the lines of “No really where is he”. Bieber would get so mad he’d say once more, “Tom, I am right here.” and Tom would casually walk up to him.. subtlety rise onto his tippy toes so he was eye level, put his hands on Bieber’s shoulders and gently whisper in his dumb Canadian ear, “I don’t feel bad about this because you have free healthcare”. Right then, shivers would rush down Justin’s spine, as he finally realizes his impending doom and the magnitude of the level that he fucked up. Eventually good old JB would muster up the courage and reply, “What are you going to do to me?”.
Tom laughs and backs away slowly, “Nothing….for now” he says softly. Tom hits a button on his shirt that calls for his private skydiving jet to appear. He climbs up to it on a rope and flips Bieber off as he flies away.
Years pass as Justin is constantly looking over his shoulder in fear. Tom at this point has made 5 more Mission Impossible movies and is living on Mars. Then it happens. Tom Cruise releases a song that is the fastest to Platinum in history. The song is just Tom Cruise lip synching over “Baby”.
After a year of struggling to sell out run down Night Clubs, Justin gets a call from a blocked number. “Hey, it’s me.. Tom Cruise”.
“What do you want Tom?”
“I want you to delete your tweet Justin, that’s all I wanted this entire time”
“Fine Tom I’ll delete it once I have enough money to buy a phone”
“Have you seen Mission Impossible 10: Cruise Saves the World Again”
“No but I heard it was good”
“It was great you should go see it”
“Okay Tom I will”
And they lived Happily ever after.