These Walruses are Fucked

Listen, I’d like to start this out by saying I feel bad for these walruses I really do. Any college kid 20 beers in knows how bad it hurts to trip and fall without putting your hands up. I did it myself the first time I went to the Boardy Barn. For some reason I tried to do a split which I have never pulled off in my life prior and wound up chipping my tooth and cutting my face up. So pretty much I have an idea of what these animals are going through. I too blame Global Warming because it was hot that day and it forced me to drink more than I intended to cool my body down. Once again this article isn’t about me it’s about the walruses but I did get kicked out that day in front of my assistant principal from high school.

Basically these walruses are jumping off this cliff because there’s no ice left and they have to swim 100 miles to eat. No one seems to be asking the only question that matters in this situation and that’s how the fuck did they get up on that cliff in the first place? It’s hard hitting detective work from me but why don’t they just get down the way they came up? I don’t think they climbed up the cliff from the way they dropped because they don’t give off the impression of fleet of foot.

Another thing is, if the people filming this and profiting off it felt as bad as they say, why don’t they go up there and help the poor guys down? The walruses clearly don’t understand gravity but we can’t expect them to. You really think Sir Isaac Newtown published his stupid laws in the walrus language? The filmmaker should mosey on up there and get their attention. Once the attention is there just walk back down the way you came. I’m sure the walruses will eventually figure it out. Again I feel bad for them especially since its probably our fault.

My final thought is that the last walrus they show jumping off really botched it. The other ones were at least trying to go down a gradual incline. This psycho jumps off a 90 degree cliff, I don’t know where he landed but I assume it wasn’t in the water. He’s gotta be better than that in every facet. He looks like Mo Salah in the penalty area with a hint of contact.  He knew he didn’t come up that way don’t be a hero. Sure you got down the fastest but you probably maimed yourself in the process. Low man wins but yeah Global Warming is bad.

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