The internet can take you to some pretty dark places, so dark in fact, that you may see something you could have went your whole life without knowing. One day you think you’re living in the happiest place in the world, a secret little town on Long Island not many know of until boom! You hear that life changing news no Jew wants to hear…. There are Nazis round the corner.
Being the struggling writer/journalist you know I love doing random research on even more random things. Lately, I have been really getting into WWII, Nazi Germany’s rise to power and their fall, and all the mumbo jumbo, cause you do know history repeats itself. So one day I put in my google search bar on the train ride home the undying question everybody wants to know, does old Adolf have any living relatives?
Turns out he does, and they are closer than you think. Not many people know but Hitler had a nephew that he hated. SHOCKER! This young Hitler, Johnny Hitler to be precise, was paranoid Uncle Adolf was going to whack him, so he decided to move his family to the god damn U S of A. He spent the remaining years of the war fighting for Uncle Sam instead of Uncle Hitler. MERICA.
So Johnny got married and had four sons; Davey, Stevie, JJ and Christopher and decided to settle down on Long Island. Where you might ask? Patchouge…. 10 minutes away from my childhood home, the place I was raised. I heard this news and at first was alarmed “True Life; Keeping up with the Hitlers”. Now the Hitler boys are no fucking Adolf, but they’re last name definitely is the same.
To this day, Davie, Stevie and Christopher still live in Patchogue. Being the good Americans Uncle Sam bred them to be, they made a pact. A pact to end the Hitler name. END IT ALL. God forbid one of them has a kid and he slaughters millions just because they were being a little cheap or maybe their nose was too big. They decided to perform GENOCIDE on the Hitler name. They all got their shit snipped. No children for all 3 not even a wife… now you name something more American than a LONG ISLAND HITLER!!!!!
AMERICA FUCK YEA