Is New Jersey the Best State?

Is New Jersey the Best State?

Let’s face it, New Jersey has always been the “Red-headed Step child” of the Tri-State area. Similar to a Red-head, it’s easy to make-fun of, and most of the time smelly. For years, the Garden State has been on the receiving end of poorly written jokes like the one I just threw at you, but today I’m going to play White Knight, and attempt to defend this great state’s honor.

Unfortunately, I have a someone informed opinion on this topic, as I have spent a ton of time in New Jersey throughout my life. Why? The majority of my family lives there, so pretty much every holiday season I find myself crossing the Goethals Bridge at least twice. Also, It’s the usually the second to last stop on the Unspoken Guinea Migration. The migration goes like this: Italy –> Brooklyn –> Staten Island –> Jail –> Long Island —> New Jersey –> Florida. This unconscious migration is pretty much required if you’re an Italian-American, with each new place of residence somehow getting shittier and shittier.

One of Jersey’s most redeeming qualities is that you don’t need to pump gas your own gas. Somehow, it’s literally a crime to refuel your own car. Now, this might be baffling for some of you, but to a lazy, worthless, and often times hungover person like me, having someone else pump your gas is rather luxurious.

Another seemingly unnecessary law within Jersey’s borders is: No Left Turns. New Jersey lawmakers really have it all figured out, as left hand turns are undoubtedly the most dangerous thing a person can do while operating a motor vehicle.

New Jersey has also found a way to pretty much mooch off most of the benefits of New York, and everyone pretty much turns a blind-eye. Everyone in the entire state pretty much roots for the New York sports teams since the only team that they did have, the Nets, literally packed up their shit and left for Brooklyn back in 2012. It should also be noted that both the Giants and the Jets actually play in New Jersey, which is something I never understood.

Birthplace of Sinatra. They’ve really been milking this one for years, but the fact remains Old Blue Eyes was popped out in NJ’s very own Hoboken.

Last but not least, Public Transportation. To the surprise of us all, New Jersey’s train system, the PATH, is not only cleaner and more efficient, but it’s also somehow cheaper than the fucking LIRR. We all know that the LIRR is technically considered International Waters, which is fitting due to the copious amounts of alcohol consumed by it’s passengers and it’s all around lawless nature. Nevertheless, we’re already in the fucking state, but it somehow costs $40 for a round trip to and from the city. 

Legal Sports Gambling/ Atlantic City. Now, sports gambling might be solely responsible for my most recent filing of bankruptcy, there is absolutely no reason why it should be illegal. Jersey’s lax gambling laws are truly a thing of beauty. AC is also out of this world, but it can’t hold Las Vegas’ jock strap. If Vegas is New York, Jersey is Atlantic city.

With all these factors I have listed above, and the absolutely exorbitant prices of real estate within New York’s Burroughs and surrounding suburbs, Jersey seems to be the best place to live right now. It’s cheap, close to Manhattan, and you can pretty much act like you live in New York. All the good without most of the bad, count me in. Well, I better go pack my bags, next stop: Dirty Jersey.

1 comment found

  1. Did you just infer that Long Island is worse than jail….because if that’s the case we are in total agreement

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