Where the Fuck is My GabaJUUL?

We’ve all been there. You come home from a long days work, or a night out at the bar, and the only thing you want is to take a sweet succulent rip of your JUUL, or as I call it, my GabaJuul, and poof, it’s fucking lost. Well, I’m here to tell you addicts that your not alone. Losing my Juul is one of my least favorite pastimes, and no matter how many times you lose one, it never gets easier.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Remember when you spent that first $50 on your startup kit? You probably felt like a god-damned crazed 7-year-old kid opening what he/she/it believes to be their #1 ranked Christmas present. You rip open the box, pop that pod in and suck on that bitch like a newborn on a fat tit. The excitement is unmatched. Then, shortly after, you realize that this slippery slope of constant nicotine inhaling is probably not so great for you, but nevertheless you’ll keep coughing up dough for pods likely for the rest of your miserable existence.

Unfortunately for consumers like us, nowhere on this product’s label did our founding fathers, Adam Bowen & James Monsees, decide to tell us how fucking easy it is to lose these things. I know that all of us proud GabaJuul owners have at one point had a moment where we have laid in our bed, searching for our cancer stick, but to no avail.  To an outside viewer, we probably look like we’re playing pocket-pool for about five minutes, until we find it in the ruffle of sheets beneath our side. Thank you Jesus.

The ownership of one of these puppies is the epitome of “a roller coaster of emotions”. You know the feeling when you thought you lost your phone, then realize it’s in your hand? Yeah. Well, that feeling of anxiety and extreme self-loathing is felt 10x worse every time the good old GabaJuul comes up missing.

A side note here: Making something so fucking elusive that you can’t even feel it in your pocket is downright evil…. and ingenious. I’d be willing to bet that some dumb-fuck has at one time or another thought that they lost their GabaJuul while they were wasted, only to realize, after spending $30-50 on a new one that it was actually in his pocket from the previous. Guess what. I’m that dumb-fuck.

Along with this, let us not forget the elusiveness of the charger. Having a charger for these things is sometimes considered more valuable than cocaine. Trust me.

Another unfortunate reality that the creators seemingly forgot to warn us about was that we’d have to set aside an additional 1-2,000 dollars/year to support our addiction, and half of those expenses are solely on replacing said lost or damaged GabaJuuls. Who would have thought, not me. All I really knew was that Jen from suite 202a said that it’s better than cigarettes, & my dumbass believed her. Along with this, a little friendly disclaimer about the vultures would have been nice. “Let me get a rip of your JUUL”,….Fuck off. If I had sex every time a girl asked me that, I’d have every STD in the book.

Some would say these are revolutionary. Me? I say fuck JUULs. Don’t be a pussy and smoke the disposable paper JUULs, they’re called Cigarettes … & if you do, do it indoors.

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