Pet owners often see themselves as some of the most gracious and caring individuals this world has to offer.. but I see it a little differently. In my opinion, I think that these self-proclaimed “owners” (which sounds a bit too close to slavery for my liking), are often times nothing more than captors, and their animal hostages are simply experiencing some extreme case of Stockholm-syndrome. To make matters worse, some of these people’s antics are just flat-out awful. Below I have listed some of the most heinous acts that pet owners often participate in:
Seriously, what the fuck is the point of owning a bird. At this point, your basically just harboring a prisoner. Throwing a bird in a little 2 ft. cage is basically the same thing as tossing Shamu in an above-ground pool. Somebody ought to make a Blackfish style expose-doc about these psychopaths that willingly choose to have a bird living in their home 24/7. Call it Blackbird… and throw my name in the credits as the mastermind behind the film. Birds are the opposite of cigs, as they should only ever be indoors in very rare circumstances. For example, the only time you should see a bird inside is when your at the mall. Anyways, these locked-up birds have the most pathetic lives of all time. They have literally 0 rights and their essentially like an inmate who’s doing a lifetime bid in solitary confinement. I really don’t know what people get out of owning birds, all they do is squawk and whistle every 2 minutes, or if you have a parrot, just repeat the same one line over-and-over again like a fucking crazy person, all day long.. until your the one that starts to go nuts. If you also own a cat, that bird is living in constant fear of it’s life. All that cat thinks about day-in and day-out is how he can murder that fucking bird. Worst of all, they don’t even get to do the one thing that makes their lives worth living.. FLY. And, if you do actually decide to let the thing out of it’s cage for a little while and fly around, it ends up shitting all over the house. Unreal. Also, most of the time they’re assholes, and reasonably so. Everytime I see a bird in a pet store, for some reason I get an urge to put my finger in the cage.. and 100% of the time the friggen thing has it’s beak wrapped around and biting the shit out of my index finger within seconds.
For some strange reason, pet owners think that the day they decide to adopt their “newest additions to the family,” it’s their birthday. This is the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of, and it’s not how birthdays works. Alright, let me put it like this.. If you and your spouse were to head down to your nearest orphanage and adopt a kid, would you tell him that every anniversary of his adoption day it’s his birthday? Maybe, but probably not. I guess you could convince him that that’s the actual day their life started… hmm… I’m gonna stick a pin in that one.
Bring Their Dogs to Work:
This is easily one of the most unprofessional things that I’ve ever experienced. Not only are you forcing the rest of your co-workers to have to deal with a live-animal running around a supposed place of work, but your also putting those who are allergic to dogs at risk… which is pretty funny now that I think about it. This too might not be such a bad idea, if you had a co-worker that you absolutely despised and then found out they were allergic to dogs.. I’d be bringing in Lassie everyday. The thing that I think is fucked up about people being able to bring their dogs into work is that this is practice is extremely racist towards every other species of animals besides dogs. Bring in your 200 lb slobbering Great Dane, nobody bats an eye. Bring in my tiny black cat, everyone thinks that I’m a serial killer.
Put Them in Pocketbooks:
This practice is also oftentimes practiced only with dogs, and it’s one of the most absurd things a pet owner can do. I’m pretty sure that doing this was a hot trend back in the early 2000’s when a little cokehead named Paris Hilton decided that she needed to bring her chihuahua everywhere she went. I guess these people really don’t give a shit that their dogs are probably pissing all over their wallets, receipts, packs of gum, and other miscellaneous items that you also have in your pocketbook along with the animal.
Calling their two different dogs “Brothers”: They’re not brothers, they are literally two different breeds of dogs, idiot.
Dress Them Up: 90% of the time your just pissing them off.. but the other 10% of the time they actually do look pretty cute. High risk, high reward I guess.