Rarest Things in the Universe:

I have scoured the world in search of the rarest things that this planet has to offer, and have come to the conclusion that these items listed below are indeed, the world’s rarest possessions:

4. English People with Nice Teeth

I have spent countless weeks abroad and one thing is certain, the “London look” is a real thing. A set of gapped front-teeth seemingly resides behind every set of lips in this amazing land, where cosmetic dental care has not yet been introduced. England is a dental hygienists worst nightmare, but for all aspiring dentists looking to make a quick fortune, look no further than the British Isles as your place of practice.

3.  35 Lb Plates

This might come as a shock to many of my fans, but truth is, this incredibly fit physique that I have been cursed with is not completely natural. In fact, in order to maintain such a high level of physical perfection, I am periodically required to visit a gym, and even exercise. I’ve probably spent thousands of hours of my life inside various weight rooms and gymnasiums all across the east coast, and the majority of my time in these hell-holes is spent searching for 35 pound barbell plates. I am convinced that there actually is no such thing as a 35 pound plate, and that instead, it is a mythological item, similar to the Holy Grail or Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth. I encourage you, if you have a moment next time you go to your local gym (probably January 1st), to find the oldest man exercising and ask him if he has ever seen a 35 pound plate. You’ll marvel at how vividly he recalls back to the 70’s, an earlier, simpler time, when gym’s were likely littered with these magnificent relics.

2. Girls who are actually funny

This may come off a bit misogynistic, but I think we can all agree that most chicks just aren’t funny. There are of course exceptions to every rule, and examples of this can be seen by comedy greats like Joan Rivers, Ellen, and Sarah Silverman, but similar to Halley’s Comet, they typically only come around once in a lifetime.

1. Happy Marriage 

The statistics speak for themselves people. We’ve all heard about it by now, the fact that the divorce rates for couples in the  United States has eclipsed 50%, and for those who aren’t divorced, a high percentage is living in an un-happy marriage. The fact is, the honeymoon stage eventually drives up, so my theory is to simply get engaged, and never actually walk down the aisle. Genius right? The only Con in this approach is that you don’t get to have a sick wedding where all your buddies try to bang your fiance’s sisters and distant cousins. Bro Code says: Take one for the team and risk sacrificing your marriage for your buddie’s to try and get laid. Now, I’m no marriage counselor, but if I had to give someone in this day and age a piece of advice, I’d probably say: do yourself and your soon-to-be unhappy or ex-wife a favor, and never tie the knot.

 

Honorable Rare Mentions:

  • Pictures of 2 Chainz without sunglasses on
  • Gas station clerks without unibrows
  • Willyum’s writing his Weird Takes every Wednesday
  • Left-hand turns in New Jersey

About Brandon Resta

Brandon Resta is a writer/podcaster. He attended the University of Tampa where he studied creative writing and film. Whilst attending college he won scholarships for his film criticism, and was the University of Tampa's Official Film Critic. Arguably his most impressive achievement to date is winning the superlative of "Class Complainer".

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