Throughout my 23 miserable years of life, I have come across a plethora of vile human beings. It’s true, I have come in contact with murderers, Satanists, and Floridians, but none-so have been more deserving to receive the death penalty than people who participate in these activities that I have listed below:
As a man who suffers from misophonia (the fear of hearing people chew) this one might be a bit personal. For me, hearing someone chew something in a quiet room is literally my kryptonite. In fact, every time that I’m around someone who is chewing their food at an obnoxious decibel, I just look up to the sky and thank God that I don’t have the funds nor technically the legal ability to possess a gun. If I did, I’d be writing this blog from behind bars.
Don’t Say “Bless You” After You Sneeze
This is literally the rudest fucking thing in the world. I don’t give a shit if your Catholic, Muslim, Jewish or Deaf, you fucking say “bless you” when someone near you sneezes, no matter who it is. Even if you walk in on your girlfriend having sex with another man, if that dude sneezes during your confrontation, you have to “bless” him. Even though this is definitely one of those weird “Old-timey” rituals that really makes no sense whatsoever, it doesn’t matter. Why? Because it doesn’t change a God damn thing if you say it, or if you don’t say it, but guess what.. since this tradition is so engrained into our culture, if you don’t say it, it DOES have an affect. Now, the guy sneezing will feel either insulted or hurt. With that being said, if you get your feelings hurt because some stranger didn’t say “bless you” than your a beta. Nevertheless, it’s the principle of someone intentionally depriving another person from their deserved “bless you,” which makes you seem cunty.
Fart in Elevators
This one needs no explanation.
Talk During Movies
Okay, this one really strikes a cord with me. In my opinion, this is the most heinous act of all these that I have listed so far. This should literally be against the law, because talking in a movie theatre is the most inconsiderate action a person can perform. With my old age I have grown a bit grumpy, as you can probably tell, and because of people’s inability to shut the fuck up during movies, I now reframe from seeing films on busy nights for this very reason. I don’t care whats going on in the movie, if it’s a boring part or even if it’s just the trailers, keep your fucking mouth shut. Other auditory noises such as laughing or chewing popcorn are also walking a fine line in my mind, and if you don’t keep these sounds to a reasonable decibel, I might have to hit you with a “Shhhh…” Bitch. Don’t make me become that guy.
Wear Flip-Flops with Jeans
I’m no fashionista, but even I can inform you that this is certainly a fashion “No-No”. Nothing looks sloppier than a middle-aged dude rocking blue jeans and thong flip-flops. This classic case of wardrobe indecision is not only unappealing, but it’s also the international sign of “I give up on my appearance”. Also, If I hear another man walking around with flip-flops slapping the bottoms of his feet, and we’re not outside, I’m squaring up with you. I don’t care how big or how gay you are, I’m taking you down. Figure it out.
Smoke Cigs Outside
I know that this will comes as a shock to many readers, but technically speaking, I’m not a scientist. But, with this being said, I can almost 100% confirm that smoking cigs outdoors is most likely why our ice caps are melting. Smoking outside is not only off-putting and cowardly, but it’s also harmful to the environment. Marlboro is single-handidly responsible for putting more holes in the O-zone than fuckin’ Shanghai, so do your planet, as well as your public image a favor, and smoke that cigarette inside.