Hello again everybody, it’s been a little bit since my last blog, but I know you guys don’t give a shit so I’m not gonna sit here and explain myself. I’m here today to discuss how to avoid the inevitable; talking to to your family on holidays.
If you’re like me, you probably hate small talk and having meaningless conversations that nobody is going to care about the next day, it’s a waste of everybody’s time. The holidays is where this epidemic sweeps the nation like a full court press in basketball. There you are just sitting at the table minding your own business and then you hear “So (insert name here) what have you been up to? How’s school? Work?” All of a sudden you’re backed into a corner with questions you don’t want to answer because 1) You know your life is going nowhere and you have an irrational fear that your loved ones are going to judge you, or 2) Once you answer these questions, more questions are going to stem from those questions, and your whole night is just going to be questions.
I however, through the use of the scientific method and execution, have figured out how to avoid these unavoidable conversations. So let us dive deep into the simple mind of a person who can’t a hold a conversation for more than one minute(me).
1) Drink Until You’re Blacked Out
To be honest, I was going to make this a big list, but the only thing I’ve realized that has worked on holidays — is to drink copious amounts of alcohol. I have successfully avoided almost every single awkward conversation the past few holidays by just being grossly intoxicated! As someone who pretends that they know everything, including how the human mind works; when people, especially your family members see you blacked out during family gatherings, they feel so embarrassed for you, that they don’t even want to ask you anything about your life, cause they know your flame is burning out fast. If in the off chance your family is still coming at your neck with questions pull the ol “Oh you wanna know how my life is? Hold on, let me chug this titos and sprite really quick”, and then just never return to the conversation.
I’ve also noticed that I even turn the tables on them when I’m wasted! I get so drunk that I even start asking them questions, and bring up terrible family secrets that are in no way appropriate for a Thanksgiving dinner setting! That’ll teach them a lesson after putting me in awkward conversations the past few years. This also helps you out on the car ride home too, your parents will be so disappointed and embarrassed that they won’t even look at you — let alone speak to you! You get to have fun during the holidays without having to face any of the consequences until the next holiday, when you’ll for sure get told to lay off the drinking, but we know that that’s not going to happen. The only downside to this is when you slowly start to realize what you have said and that you made your own sister cry, you’ll probably have a lot of regret the next day and have to apologize. But at least you avoided answering simple questions.
If this surefire trick doesn’t work and you have to answer questions, then just lie! Lie your fucking ass off! My family has no fucking clue who I am, for all they know, I’ve been a banker on Wall Street for the past three years, and that’s how I picked up this terrible addiction to alcohol.
Well guys, I really hope this helps you out and you don’t get caught at the baseline getting suffocated with questions on the holiday. May God have mercy on your soul.