Premier League Week 8 – Recap

Premier League week 8 is in the books and what did we learn you ask. We learned that City may have some discipline after all and as I write this blog on a Wednesday morning, Mahrez’s penalty kick has still not landed. United were so dead, but like David Blaine making Cheez-itz appear, Joe-Say’s men somehow made a win appear. Chelsea got back on track with a drubbing of poor poor Southampton and Arsenal brought the cannons into Fulham and skull fucked them. Going to change the format of these blogs a little bit because let’s be honest I’m not writing them for any teams below 8 in the table. If anyone does wind up reading they most likely stop after 300 words so my 2000-word thesis every week doesn’t make sense. I’m going to cover the bigger matchups of the past week and go a little more in depth with the matchups coming up. If you don’t like it fuck off, simple as that.

City vs Liverpool: The crown jewel of the premier league season did not disappoint unless you were expecting exciting soccer and goals galore. So yeah it was a pretty big disappointment. I’d put it a little higher than Newcastle and Cardiff drawing in the second week of the season. It finished 0-0 and I’d dare to say it was a deserved result for both sides. Liverpool came out in their usual frenetic high press and looked successful doing it. If Salah had the misguided confidence I have in my generally disappointing life Liverpool probably would’ve been up early on. He does not and the Egyptian King sucks again. City grew into the game and settled down, playing possession with no purpose for a while. The second half was mostly City though that honestly wasn’t saying much. Mahrez had most of the chances and flubbed every single one of them. The big moment of the match was obviously when Sane made a great run in behind and drew a penalty. It was a penalty all day long you Liverpool cucks get over it. Aguero was already taken off so Pep spun the penalty taker wheel. Who did it land on you ask? Riyad Mahrez of course the guy who already missed 6 chances and is 4 for 8 in his last 8 spot kicks. Bold strategy. Jesus looks sad in general but when Mahrez took the ball from him it looked like he was on a commercial asking for 5 cents to save those cleft lip kids. Sad! The Algerian stepped up with his confidence brimming, this was my moment to earn all the City fans trust. In the background you heard the NASA headquarters counting down the launch sequence….5….4…3…2…1…LIFTOFF! This guy doesn’t even come close, there are now little alien kids on Venus playing with a premier league ball. They probably don’t even know what soccer is but they have a ball now. My only hope is that when they do come invade us eventually they take pity because of the gift Riyad Mahrez sent them. 

Anyway, it ended after that and now three teams are at the top of the table (City are on top due to goal differential). Better result for City just a bad way to go about it with a chance to win at Anfield for the first time in 15 years. It did however show a different side of Pep, a cautious result driven approach that yielded them a point in one of the toughest venues in Europe. We’ll see if that happens at all in the Champions League. Liverpool’s attack seemed lifeless again and it may be time to get those boys a life alert because it seems they have fallen down! Yeah baby!

Chelsea vs Southampton – Chelsea needed a result here and they got it. Hazard continues to be a man missile, terrorizing Southampton all game long like…I’ll stop there. He was good. The Blues are great at controlling games against lesser opponents and with Hazard, it’ll be hard not to score in most games. Giroud had a sick assist to Ross “Charles” Barkley for the second goal. Barkley’s first for Chelsea and earned him a spot on the TOTW, well done lad. Giroud really doesn’t do much for me, but I do see that he’s immensely better than Morata up there. hE hOldS uP pLaY fOR HazARd to RuN through, yeah but like that’s all he does, don’t you want a striker that can actually score (don’t answer that Morata). If Chelsea had the Batman on their team I think they’d be so much better in the long run but that is what the transfer window is for. Overall a solid performance for Sarri’s side and the midfield combo on Jorginho, Barkley, Kante, and Kovacic continues to look better and better. Also if you’re Southampton you should probably mark Eden Hazard in the box. I’m not a coach though. He could’ve transferred to Madrid played a season there and came back to Chelsea and still had enough time to finish that. 

United vs Newcastle – I loved this 3-2 win because you know what it means? It means Mourinho is back in for the rest of the season. United came back from 2-0 down in the second half and looked good doing it. Sanchez scored for the first time since I was in high school for the game winner and just like that Joe-Say is back in the driver seat. You guys feel that? It’s Mourinho’s seat getting colder and colder because he is here to stay. It’s so difficult to let Newcastle score twice at your own stadium but that’s how the game started. I know it was a great comeback and left the fans happy with the win, but it never should’ve come to that and I am officially calling United dead. They will not get in the top 4 or even top 5. DEAD.

Tottenham vs Cardiff – ewwwww this game stunk. 1-0 against Cardiff is tough but when they go down to 10 men its even worse. On top of that the spread was -1.5 so that’s even even worse. The Spurs look so complacent lately, it’s a bit alarming. I know they just got off a crazy game mid-week against Barthelona and a win is a win, but this did not feel like one. Cardiff is not good as you saw City and Chelsea put a plethora of goals past them. Tottenham needs a transfer badly or to get healthy, either one. Eriksen, Jan, Alli need to get back to the pitch and raise another banner at Wembley. I wish I had a stadium update for you but alas, there is nothing new to report. I tried to find highlights to this game but unless you wanted to see Harry Kane missing chances, I have nothing.

Arsenal vs Fulham – Not even close but good try Fulham. At this time, I’d like a moment of silence for whoever bet the under in this game.                            Thank you. 5-1 is a great result for Emery but some of the goals they scored were magical. They are a fun team to watch at the moment and actually went ahead of Tottenham this week on goal differential. Stand up North London!!!! Seriously stand up the anthem is playing “God Save the Queen”. Okay those are the only words I know. Lacazette is so damn good and it’s nice to see him thriving with a starting spot. They’re going to outscore you and it makes it better for all of us to watch so good on you Unai and co. Ramsey also scored less than a minute on and sheeeeeeeesh it was a beauty.


You know how I said earlier that I’d preview some matches coming up, well its international break so there are none. Gotcha! I’ll have a strictly preview blog next week so when I tweet the link out please click on it. I will end on this, USA soccer may be back. McKennie scored a game winner for Schalke in the Champions League this week and scored again in domestic league during the weekend. Pulisic is a god that picked up a knock, so he’ll be out for their friendlies coming up, but we know how good he can be. John Brooks continues to be a mainstay at Wolfsburg and Bobby Wood is doing the damn thing for Werder Bremen. Let’s keep it going fellas. Alright only 1340 words, don’t crucify me.

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