After a lengthy international break, we finally have midweek soccer back and I am not talking about the MLS. Champions league is back baby and were approaching the halfway point of the group stage, so things are heating up. Barcelona have a hold on their group, but Sevilla finally found a way to stop the Messiah, you just break his arm. Tough break for Messi (literally) but Barcelona has some leeway with their exhilarating 4-2 win against Tottenham in the previous game. The biggest story has to be Ronaldo going back to Old Trafford to face the team that made him a global superstar. United’s back line has looked as crooked as Ronaldo’s teeth were back then but their result against Chelsea over the weekend show signs of life for Joe-Say. Without further Freddy Adu, let’s look at some of the bigger matchups this week and I will win you some money*.
*Disclaimer: I am so bad at gambling lately so when I say make you some money, you’re going to have to go against every pick I make because for the most part they will be wrong. But money is money and because it’s not possible to fade yourself I’m going to let my loyal readers profit off my small brain.
Juventus at Manchester United –
United pk (+105)
Juventus pk (-135)
I’ll admit that this matchup looked a lot better a couple weeks ago when United didn’t suck as bad but after watching them against Chelsea, I was impressed with them getting forward. Martial bagged a brace and I know they wound up drawing but at Stamford Bridge against an in-form Chelsea team, a draw ain’t bad. Juventus do come to Old Trafford as favorites, but I think there’s a lot of value in United this week. Juve is coming off a disappointing 1-1 draw against Genoa and a trip to England two days after a game is not the easiest thing to do. I’ll compare this to Thursday night football, teams that are travelling usually don’t perform as well as home teams in this case. Mourinho also knows the Champions League and how to get results, as he reminded Chelsea fans this weekend. “Tree, I won Tree trophies here, Tree.” Right Joe-Say, right. I’m calling a Pogba goal against his old squad and I think Ronaldo shits the bed. Sidenote: If I am Ronaldo (which a lot of people say I actually do look like) if I score I’m doing my douchebag jumping celly right in front of Mourinho. In turn I hope Joe-Say socks Cristiano and his face transforms into United Ronaldo. Handsome Squidward turning back into ugly Squidward is a tale as old as time. That would be something. Okay, United to win 2-1.
PSG vs Napoli
PSG -1.5 (+115)
Napoli +1.5 (-145)
Big game for Napoli coming off their scintillating 1-0 result against Liverpool. Just kidding that game sucked with Liverpool looking ahead to City and Napoli doing that thing where all their attackers can’t score. PSG bent Red Star Belgrade over and pounded them into submission. It was so bad people started throwing out match fixing rumors. Never a good look but to those people I say, its fucking PSG vs Red Star what did you honestly think was going to happen. If PSG lost I would agree but I mean come on. On the flip side imagine being that bad, the wow they must’ve been match fixing bad. If I’m a player on Red Star I would probably hope it was true. Even if it isn’t someone should admit to it so the other players don’t feel as bad. It’s a classic spin zone for the coach in that locker room. “Alright lads, we got shit pumped last game but its fine because we were fixing the game and we all made a lot of money off it. This game let’s actually try.” Problem solved, and the team is fixed, you’re welcome Red Star. Back to Naples where I hate this line and the odds attached. Vegas is begging you to lay the juice and take Napoli and the under. I’m the type of person that keeps Vegas in business for that exact reason, I like Napoli and the under. Fuck me right. Ancelotti’s men have scored 1 goal in their first two matches and one involved the match fixers (allegedly). That’s not good. They’re scoring at a better clip in Serie A but it seems like they pack it in during the Champions League. PSG have been putting 5-6 past everyone in Ligue 1 but I think the MLS is more competitive than Ligue 1 so that isn’t much to go on. In the end I look to the Liverpool – PSG result and believe Napoli can do the same. Mertens to score twice and Neymar gets one. PSG 2 – Napoli 2.
Tottenham at PSV –
PSV +.5 (-115),
TOT -.5 (-115)
This is a huge game for Tottenham as they can’t afford to drop points after losing their first two games in the group stage. They showed signs of life against Barcelona but the strategy of not marking Messi and letting him run wherever he wants actually backfired against them. Who seriously would’ve thought that letting the best player ever do whatever he wants would result in a loss. The over has hit in both of Tottenham’s group matches and the odds clearly think that’s going to happen again. PSV are also 0-2 so far but look to right the ship back at home. The Spurs looked so bad against West Ham but that seems to be their M.O this year, shitty 1-0 wins against inferior opponents. After a quick google search I found out that PSV is located in the Netherlands. After one more google search I unearthed the fact that the Netherlands is actually right next to England so it’s not a bad trip. I really want to take the under, but I can’t see it hitting. Two desperate teams will result in attacking soccer and the talent on both squads’ figures in a couple goals. PSV’s crowd was dumb lit last match against Inter but they still lost and the moment may be too big for them. I will go with that logic and the fact that Eriksen might be ready to go after coming on as a sub against West Ham. Yeah, that makes a little more sense. I don’t want to be called a hero for making these picks without seeing lineups but if you think I am, I’m okay with that. Disregard this entire paragraph if Spurs don’t start with Eriksen and Sissoko is in. Tottenham 2 – PSV 1.
Inter Milan vs Barcelona
Inter Milan +1.5 (-150)
Barcelona -1.5 (+120)
Forza Milan! The two unbeaten teams face off in this one at the legendary Nou Camp. Messi will be out due to his fractured arm so Inter dodge a bullet there. Barthelona are still a great team and are capable of covering this spread buuuuut I need to spice these blogs up a bit so sound the alarm!!! *UPSET ALERT* Inter will go into Camp Nou and win this game on the back of the best player in FIFA 17 Mauro Icardi B. Slam this under even though it is a lot of juice because there is no way these teams go attacking. Inter are coming off a last-minute derby win against AC Milan and have all the momentum. I think Inter are a good road team and know how to grind out away wins and that is why I’m taking them. They are compact and disciplined, and they will need to be against this Barcelona team but I just think missing Messi will prove to be too much. No one else can unlock a defense like him and they’ll struggle with that back line. Horse teeth Suarez can’t really create for himself, I’m actually not sure about that I just wanted to call him horse teeth. Thing you’ll learn about these blogs is half the time I’m talking out of my ass, but most people don’t know a lot about soccer, so they believe me. ANYWAY, this is my upset and I’m sticking with it, Inter 2 – Barcelona 0.
Dortmund vs Atletico –
Dortmund pk (-130)
Atletico PK (+100)
This game has one goal scored written all over it doesn’t it? Atletico it seems win every game 1-0 no matter who the opponent is. Dortmund have quickly become one of the more exciting teams in Europe lately and an in-form Reus is a scary thought. I love that this a PK, and I’m giving the edge to Dortmund just because of how well they’ve been playing at home. I miss Pulisic more than words can describe but Sancho has slid right in and made an impact for BVB. I think Atletico can get one but nothing more than that so basically do you think Dortmund can put 2 in at home against Atletico? I do my friends lets go over and Dortmund. Dortmund 2 – Atletico 1
Man City at Shaktar –
City -1.5 (-110)
Shaktar +1.5 (-110)
Let me preface this by saying I am so on this over there’s absolutely no way it hits. Both games for Shaktar have finished 2-2 so that would mean over hits. As a lifelong City fan since 2012 it’s my duty to you to be objective in this matchup. And I take my duty very seriously when I tell you I don’t think City wins by 2. Okay I do think they’ll win by two my bad but if they don’t its for these reasons. Shaktar play in Ukraine, yes you read that right. Ukraine is far away. City are traveling to Ukraine which I mentioned is cold and far away. It’s been a weird group stage for City so far, losing at home to Lyon and then winning late at Hoffenheim. They haven’t looked that good, even in the Hoffenheim game which I had them at -1.5. Sane missed a good chance late and Aguero had a wide open net that convinced him to send the shot back to Manchester. Going to Ukraine is such a tough trip especially playing on Tuesday. City will come out sluggish and eventually figure it out but Shaktar will scare them early on. I think the depth City have and the fact that De Bruyne is back bodes well and eventually City will pull away. Shaktar need a win or a draw at least so if City are up in the second half, the second one won’t be far behind so lets go City -1.5 and the over. City 4 – Shaktar 1
Alright, follow me into the abyss that is betting soccer and when you fade me and win millions, please just remember me and my small brain. We genuinely think we know soccer but my bank accounts condescendingly shakes its head and reminds us that we are nothing. Cheers mates.