OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWNS EARLY LIGHT. Folks the Ryder Cup is back and is possibly the most electric sporting event that no one cares about. It happens bi-annual (every two years for those lacking my exquisite vernacular) and pits the mighty titans of the free world against most of the countries Hitler took over. USA up 1-0 already on that fact off to a fast start. The competition takes place in Paris this year, oui oui, and if you’ve never tuned in before I suggest you do. Both teams are stacked to the tits with talent with all top 10 players in the world participating for the first time ever. Yeah, I know golf rankings don’t make much sense but that still seems pretty good. USA haven’t won on foreign turf since 1993 so there is a lot at stake.
How this tournament works for all you virgins is simple. 12 golfers on each team, USA vs Europe, playing a total of 28 matches across 3 days. It is match play and you get a point for each game you win, if you tie a match each person gets a half point. First to 14.5 points wins the damn thing and in the case of tie the Stars and Stripes will take home to silverware because they are reigning champs. Match play is different than the usual stroke play in that you are playing directly against your opponent on early hole. They get a 4 you get a 3, guess what happens. You win the hole. Simple math, right? Now there are different formats for certain matches so try to keep up. Four-ball format is when you have a straight up 2v2 and each player plays their own ball. The best score on the hole wins the hole. You get a 4 your partner gets a 5, you go with your score. If your score beats the other team’s best score you win the hole. 1 UP as they say.
The other four-person format is a foursome and I’m not talking orgies people. Foursome is alternate shot, stop me if this gets complicated, so you and your partner take turns hitting one golf ball. Nothing like 4 guys taking a whack at two balls am I right? These matches are awesome because you can see the chemistry between two guys and the raw celebrations for someone making a huge putt. Jordan Spieth and Patrick Reed put on a fucking firework show right in the middle of Minnesota 2 years ago with their performance in these matches. The last day is reserved for strictly singles matches, mano y mano for international dominance. 12 matches on Sunday can get hectic but there is nothing more electrifying than these guys coming down the stretch needing points to capture the cup. Speaking on singles matches let’s take a look at some of the key guys on each team.
Tiger Woods – You probably guessed he was the first person so *golf clap* to you for knowing who he even was. Big Dick Eldrick is coming off his first tour win in over 5 years so if I was a waitress in a committed relationship working in a Parisian diner I would probably take the next few days off. Back to Tiger, is it just me or does he have that fire back? The I’m the best and will shit on you if you take too long to hit a shot fire. I think it’s back and the fact he put himself on his Mt. Rushmore of golfers should send off blitzkrieg alarms to European fans hoping for an upset. The course does not reward hitting a long drive so Tiger should benefit from that even though he’s been tattooing it the last couple of rounds. Tiger’s bread and butter since his comeback has been the stinger off the tee followed by an approach shot at the pin. Great strategy and this course should bend over and let him in because he’s going to have a huge week. Only concern would be the speed of the greens, they’re slower than East Lake and Tiger has shown a weakness in putting on slower greens. Either way if anybody on Europe is still with their significant others by Sunday, Tiger will have failed.
Jordan Spieth – Jordan is coming off a HORRIBLE year, but I have full faith in him to turn things around. As mentioned earlier this course is not for the big hitter, and Spieth has hit the driver as straight as a parabola this past year. The kid knows how to win and yes, he chokes more than Rey Mysterio in a Kane chokeslam, but he also comes up clutch. (See his walk off bunker shot, his Open championship comeback, his US Open win). Putting is so big this week and while he’s struggled there isn’t a single person I’d want more standing over a 30-foot putt to clinch a point. This is a way to salvage a bad year for him and he’s going to redeem himself.
Dustin Johnson – The big guy is in the doghouse with wife Paulina but that didn’t stop him from traveling across the pond to get some of that grade A European coke. Yeah, it’s a little flat and they only give you an 8 oz bottle, but coke is coke. Gotcha there. I think he got back to number 1 in the world but I don’t feel like checking so for the purpose of this blog he’s back to the top. He’s struggled mightily putting together 4 good rounds since his collapse at Shinnecock (I was there for the second round NBD) but this dude has all the talent in the world. If him and Man Rocket Brooks Koepka are paired together I would hide all the dumbbells in the greater Paris area. His one fault has been his wedge play and since he can drive the ball 400 yards he is usually using one. If he can regain the form that saw him leading the US Open, it’s lights out for whoever he goes against. If he can’t well I hear him, and Tiger might be ready for a calm, quiet, faithful night out. One thing is for sure, if he takes his putts as seriously as he is in taking this picture correctly framed I think the USA will be alright.
Patrick Reed – Captain America is back for a sequel and every golf writer ever cracks their fingers as they prepare a piece on how no one likes him even his own family. FOH! This guy is so unlikable for 362 days of out the year but when steps into those blue 40 waist USA pants he becomes one of us. He was the star of the 2016 Ryder Cup and his duel with Rory McIlroy was one of the greatest performances I’ve ever laid my eyes on. The 25-foot putt he made to halve the hole after Rory sank a 50 footer was magical but the Mutombo finger wag caused me to sprain my ankle running around my block. There are some people that you can tell live for match play and Patrick Reed has a body built for that. He’s got a lot to love but nothing means more to him than playing for the United States. That should be applauded and if he doesn’t get matched up with Rory this year I will personally be very disappointed and maybe tweet about it. Haven’t decided yet.
La Ryder Cup se juega siempre con gran intensidad pero con mucho deportividad y respeto. Público muy ruidoso.
Jajajaja Me encanta la personalidad y sentido del humor de Rory McilRoy. #TeamEurope vs #TeamUSA #Golf https://t.co/8NxrKyDubf
— Laura Gonzalez (@lauravettelista) September 27, 2018
Rickie Fowler – What a dark horse this guy is. Much like Dustin Johnson, Rickie has not been able to put 4 good rounds together lately. He returned from an oblique injury for the last two events of the season and looked pretty damn good. He just needs to avoid the mistake hole and with it being match play, it won’t even matter that much. His putting has been nails this year and now that he’s engaged he’s got that sexual energy coming off him. I know you know what I’m talking about. It’s not the sexual, bestiality that Tiger has but it’s the safe, I’m here for a good time energy that we need. Considered the best player to win a major, Rickie had a quiet but successful 2016 Ryder cup and will look to build on that in front of his fiancée Ms. Allison Stokke. By the way I saw her in person at Shinnecock (I went second round if you didn’t hear) she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in person. I had barely even seen her before that and for some reason I knew right away she was Allison Stokke. Picture the clouds opening up and a light shining down on a spot and in that spot stood Allison and you know how I felt at Shinnecock when I went in the second round. Rickie and Allison if you’re reading this and need a surrogate please do not be afraid to ask I will gladly do it for free. Well that took a weird turn.
Rory McIlroy – Mamaaaaa there goes that man again. Voted the most intimidating walker by me, The Nothern Irish man will look to be the anchor for this underdog Europe team. I’ve been to Northern Ireland and actually passed through Rory’s hometown, so I know what he’s feeling leading up to this. When he’s on, he is the best player in the world no doubt about it. He averaged like 340 yards a drive at East Lake and just couldn’t come up with the rest of his game as he faltered in that final round. But that my friends is the Tiger Woods effect. If 2016 is any indiciation, McIlroy will be raring to get after it and won’t be wearing a hat. Hat could be the difference maker here as sometimes the sun will get in your eyes or you start feeling insecure because the wind blew your hair into a mess and everyone is looking at you with your dumb ass hair out. I’d go hat but we people of Northern Ireland don’t need any advantages. He’ll be fired up and looking to Brexit away from his opponent (that is an unreal reference) to glory.
Justin Rose – Justin “Cool, calm, collected, everyone hates him for taking the FedEx cup away from Tiger”, Rose. We can even add gold medalist to his title kudos to you. This guy is unflappable and was the number one player in the world before I decided to give it to Dustin Johnson earlier in the blog. Needed a biride on the 18th at East Lake to collect a cool $10 million and he got it. I can’t imagine playing a hole that had $10 million on the line. I shoot 8s when there’s $1 on the hole so the stakes go up just a little bit. He’s been one of the best and consistent players for a long time now and will look to cement his name of the Ryder Cup trophy this year. If he can get hot with his irons this week it could spell bad news for the Yankees. Not many people are better at approach shots and this course could be set for the taking for our former world #1.
Tommy Fleetwood – Here’s a player I love watching. Had a solid season on the tour and on any given day can shoot low 60s (62 at US Open) to get himself back into contention. It’s his first Ryder Cup and could be a turning point in his career. He’s an all-around good player and rarely lets the moment get to him. His hair is immaculate too, some referring to him as Jesus AD 1987. Jesus wasn’t from England but was apparently a white male with blue eyes and long flowing hair in an area where almost everyone else had darker hair, darker eyes, darker skin and hair that went up not down. Makes you think.
Jon Rahm – This guy is so volatile he can put out a candle just by screaming at it. He is everyone amateur player after 5 beers. Bad shot and we’re chucking clubs that scrape the Ozone Layer, missed putt and that putter is now two putters. He also has a face that resembles Ernie from Sesame Street so that’s actually kinda cool. I can’t wait to see who he is paired with and how he does this weekend. Similar to a young Sergio, when it’s going good he’s hard to top. When it’s not, they call him the ambulance because anything within 300 ft will get hurt. In an ideal world, he goes against Patrick Reed and they don’t even play golf. They have a hot dog eating competition and whoever eats the most win. I need him to miss a putt and just start swinging on anybody in sight. A fist fight on the 16th green between Jon Rahm and Patrick Reed would hit me in the feels like nothing else.
Sergio Garcia – He has had one of the worst seasons imaginable but when you win the Masters people are inclined to let you play for them. He is so damn good in the Ryder Cup bringing that Spanish attitude and flair when it matters most. I really think he’ll be awful, and they’ll regret taking him but for the sake of him I’ll throw him a bone. Sergio has been the big driver his whole career, that doesn’t help here. What he does have however, is the ability to raise his level of play to match his opponent. He might win one match, but I wouldn’t count on anything more than that.
There you have it folks, your entire guide to the 2018 Ryder Cup. I would highly suggest tuning in and hope that you find as much enjoyment in it as Patrick Reed talking to his parents. Actually, I hope you enjoy it a tad more. Prediction is USA 16—-Europe 12. You heard it here first, Cheers.