Premier League Power Rankings – Week 6

Folks its been two weeks but my international break has ended. After being in Ireland for the past week I can finally bring you the correct perspective from the Premier League this week. Lot of people who haven’t been to Europe wouldn’t understand, but the clocks are actually 5 hours ahead over there. Wild I know. What a week it was over the English Channel, with Cardiff appearing as lifeless as a John Wick victim. West Ham and Chelsea played as lively as a date with Bill Cosby. Wolves bared their teeth at Old Trafford and Arsenal are maybe getting better? The real story though was Burnley taking a monster dump all over Bournemouth’s chest. What a result for the aforementioned bottom 3 team in the league. Might’ve fucked themselves by scoring too many goals because we all know Burnley only has a fixed amount for the entire season. Like I wish I did in Ireland, lets jump off a cliff into this week’s power rankings.

  1. Liverpool – Look, I want to put City here so badly all biased aside but a perfect start to the season is impressive. They cruised to a comfortable win against Southampton and Shaqiri showed some real promise in the starting 11. This had the feeling of a trap game for Liverpool, coming off a huge win against PSG (fuck PSG they lost me money) and having two matches against Chelsea this week. But they showed some moxie in getting an easy win and the old Liverpool probably would’ve drew this game. Salah got back on the scoresheet with an absolute firecracker. Actually he tapped in off a mesmerizing Shaqiri free kick, much to the chagrin of the swiss muscle hamster. The only thing bigger than the balls on Salah for taking that goal are Xherdan’s traps. You could land a plane on those guys. Southampton really didn’t do much to test this team but this next week will answer a lot of questions regarding Liverpool and Chelsea.

2. Man City – Easy win and poor Cardiff ran into a pissed off City after that embarrassing loss mid-week against Lyon. I imagine Pep reminded the team to play with courage and yeah, they just fucked Cardiff up. It was pretty easy after Aguero’s opener and if Gundogan could finish inside the box it would’ve been 6-7. Granted the husky German had a banger into the top corner for the third goal (to cover as well) I just think the lack of focus in the area will come back to haunt City later on. The real story was Riayd Mahrez bagging a brace after coming on as a substitute in the second half. Gundogan put his first one on a platter but the second was a delightful finish into the bottom corner. Cardiff’s defender was nice enough to lay it off for the Algerian, but it was a great pass nonetheless. This looked like the City of last year and if they can get it clicking heading into Anfield we could have a great contest on our hands. Shoutout to Stockport born Phil Foden for having an unbelievable game yesterday. Scored his first City goal and assisted another, this lad will be great in years to come.

3. Chelsea – Ouch this was a tough game to watch. 0-0 away to West Ham isn’t usually a catastrophic result but in Sarri’s system, you need to be able to score a goal. Over 70% possession didn’t help at all and they looked too stagnant at times. Most of the game was Hazard and that big doof Giroud trying to take on 7 guys. It works sometimes because of Hazard’s absolute class but it isn’t sustainable. This game could’ve gone either way with both teams blowing a glorious chance. Morata hit Fabianski in the dome piece to get denied in the second half and then Yarmenlenko had an open header in the 6 and MISSED THE NET COMPLETELY. Morata finished as often as me on Adderall and is just useless in front of net. Kepa made a couple of nice saves on Antonio to keep the deadlock and he’s been very good so far. Chelsea need a striker badly if they want to contend for the title. 2 meetings with Liverpool this week will test the depth of this team but at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, look for Sarri to try and make a statement.

4. Tottenham – Don’t feel too good putting Tottenham here but they did win at Brighton this week so they’re doing better than some teams (United). After 3 straight losses the Spurs finally got back in the win column with a testy victory against the Seagulls. Harry Kane scored a penalty but has continued to lack his blistering finishing. The guy is pretty much only good at scoring goals and he’s been awful at it this year. He missed like 3 breakaways including a huge one at the end of the game. Tottenham need him to get going but this World Cup hangover is taking a toll. Erik Lamela scored a beauty for the eventual game winner and is a nice direct option off the bench for Poch. The game got very interesting at the end. Kane misses a breakaway and Brighton come down directly after and score a goal. 30 seconds later Knockhart should’ve tied it up, on his left foot just outside the box. He shanks it right at Tottenham’s 7th string keeper and the Spurs win but man that should’ve been a lot easier. Dele returned in a cameo and the Spurs need him now more than ever.

5. Arsenal – The Gooners are steady climbing their way up the table and the power rankings. *insert Undertaker coming out of the coffin gif* They have actually looked pretty good and have been getting results. 2-0 to Everton is a solid win but in reality, this score line was bogus. Everton dominated for a decent stretch and just suck at finishing. Lacasweat scored a peach of a curler to open the scoring and continues to be a joy to watch. The second goal is when we get into why this game was controversial. Aubmeyang scored a sitter but was so far offsides Forrest Gump would’ve stopped running to him. The call was as tight as Stormy Daniels snatch and just can’t happen in the best league in the world. It changed the whole game and by whole game I mean that Everton didn’t cover. If it happens on a tight call I’m understanding, but when it happens, and I lose money because of it *insert Undertaker doing Tombstone piledriver gif* I’m doing this to the AR. I’ve been an AR for a couple of years and besides parents knowing the rule book verbatim, offsides calls are the most controversial calls. Need VAR soon in the Premier League.

6. Watford – I’m putting them this low because of fucking Troy “Beer Belly” Deeney and his refusal to score to hit the over. When you start betting at 7:30 am on a Saturday you expect to hit your first bet and set the mood for the rest of the day. O2.5 in the Watford game looked great after a 2nd minute goal from Andre Gray but guess what? It didn’t hit, and you know why? Because fat ass Deeney missed more opportunities than someone selling Apple stocks 20 years ago. The worst one was a 2 on 1 and Deeney instead of shooting, when it was just him and the goalie, tries to sweat it across the box. Only problem was that was where the one defender on the entire pitch was. Good shit Deeney but getting back to the game Watford looked decent again and should have won. Fulham are live and die by Mitrovic and he delivered yet again. Going forward Watford away from Vicarage Road will be interesting to see. If they want to contend for a top 6 spot they need to snatch some points.

7. Man United – Might be too high but I’m not taking into account the loss to Derby County last night. In no means will I mention that at Old Trafford in the 3rd round of the Carabao Cup, United lost to a championship team on penalties. I won’t even say that David De Gea stopped a total of 0 penalty kicks in the shootout, I won’t do it. As you can see I communicate my true intentions as well as Pogba and Mourinho face to face. Listen they tied at home against Wolves this past weekend and it doesn’t look good. Wolves probably should’ve won if not for De Gea’s heroics. He made two unreal saves to keep Wovlerhampton at bay but couldn’t stop Moutihno’s blast in the second half. Again I don’t want to bring up the fact that as -425 favorites, United lost to a team in a division lower at home but after the game more turmoil boiled up with Pogba and Joe-Say. Joe-Say stated that Pogba will never captain United again. That is a bold thing to say and probably was well accepted in the locker room. Pogba has apparently asked to leave United because of this sunshine and rainbows relationship he has with Mourinho. Something has got to give because this is not sustainable and for what it’s worth I’m hoping it’s the Portuguese prince. Pogba is a stellar talent and in a system that doesn’t put 60 guys behind the ball, he might actually be able to show it. I know it would send the wrong message that the player decides the coach but this is Mourinho we’re talking about. He’s as well liked as Trump in a Seattle Starbucks. United will not do anything this year if this keeps up. Derby Count 3 – United 2 (PKs) Wolves 1- United -1.

8. Wolves – This team plays with conviction and belief in each other. So nice to see from a promoted side. This is probably one of the best teams to be promoted and its nice to see that the Premier League isn’t too tall of a task for them. Solid draws against City and United have them taking points off the big boys. They win games they are expected and take points when they can, it’s a beautiful equation that will see the Wolves continue to be successful.

9. Leicester – Solid win against Huddersfield this week, and boy is James Maddison doing the damn thing. Pearl of a free kick goal for the winner and then the Vardy party commenced after that. They have potential to fight for a top 8 spot but I think it stops there. Vardy coming back is great but the depth and talent around him and Maddison is spotty at best.

10. Everton – Sad, disappointing, non-existent. These are all adjectives to describe the outlook on my life right now but conveniently also describe Everton this week. No excuses for this poor performance at Arsenal, Richarlison was back, yet they couldn’t put up a goal against Arsenal, come on man! They did look great during stretches of this game but in the end Arsenal scored and they didn’t. Cenk Tosun is as useless as a spoon in a blizzard and they should just get rid of him. Walcott reverted back to the Raheem Sterling form of not finishing anything, and they just lacked the quality finishing.

11. Brighton – Should’ve picked up points against Tottenham plain and simple. Knockhaert should’ve had a hat trick. He did get one but had a glorious chance earlier and did what I do every time I took a penalty. Shot it right at the goalie. They’ll be tough at home but boy this was a missed opportunity. Glenn Murray continues to be the king.

12. Fulham – I’m throwing Fulham up this high because they looked great in the second half against Watford. Mitrovic is a Tiger Tank moving forward and Seri positively effected the game when he came on. Offensively they need more from guys that aren’t built like a tank but I liked the attacking mentality.

13. West Ham – the lads might be back after picking points off of Chelsea. They should’ve won this game and Yarmenlenko will be wondering how he missed the net on a free header inside the 6. We were all wondering. As my friend Cheese said, it was harder to miss the net completely than score there but if I know West Ham like I think I do, they’re always up for a challenge. Arnatouvic coming back will help and I was very impressed with Felipe Anderson this game. This guy is a player and seems to be adapting to the Premier League well.

14. Bournemouth – What more can you say about a team that lost 4-0 to Burnley? Just an awful performance for a team that started off nicely. Burnley was dead and they wont score 4 goals in the next 10 matches. Need to be better because that is an awful scoreline.

15. Crystal Palace – I lost money on them too so there might be a correlation as to why they’re this low. I’m not that mad but HOW DO YOU GET SHUTOUT AT HOME BY NEWCASTLE WITH ZAHA ON THE PITCH. It really is unacceptable. Be better Palace, be better.

16. Burnley – Oh yeah you knew that were coming back soon. I think I said it in last blog about how they were going to show signs of life after being eliminated in Europe. Credit to me for being right about that, this win is as much mine and Sean Dyche’s. Burnley could be a sneaky good play going forward because at the moment everyone thinks they suck. And they probably do suck but might go back to their ways of winning every game 1-0. Unders all the way.

17. Newcastle – Can’t score, no matter how hard they try, sad!

18. Southampton – Prime opportunity for Mark Hughes to show me of all people that he doesn’t fucking suck. Opportunity wasted. They were playing against a tired Liverpool team and did absolutely nothing.

19. Cardiff – They got skullfucked by an angry City team. Not much you can do about it.

20. Huddersfield – DEAD.


Clip of the week: I can’t find it but it’s funny, the kid is in the stands and as the ball comes to him he jumps and heads it, perfect form.

Not all heroes wear capes, some wear regular clothes and sit in the stands waiting or their opportunity. This dude jumped at his shot and what a clear it was. This header was so impressive in two ways. It could’ve been a flick on for his winger going forward. Hit it over the back line of the defense and were in on net. It also could’ve been a clear from a dangerous cross in. You hit that out of play and regroup defensively because we need to stop them for the next 5 minutes to win the game. Good on you, mate.


Games to watch this weekend:

Chelsea v Liverpool – Biggest game of the year so far and everyone will be looking at the match ups. I will not be because I’m running behind on work and it is the end of the quarter. I think Chelsea has a slight advantage at home and Sarri’s style is rewarded when teams take too many risks. Can’t pick a winner though because this is Chelsea’s first real test defensively and the attacking power of Liverpool cannot be understated. I’m going 2-2 draw, fight me if you disagree.

West Ham 2 – United 1

Man city 4 – Brighton 1

Arsenal 3 – Watford – 2

Great to be back everyone thank you for your patience.

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