Premier League Power Rankings – Week 4

Premier league week 4 is in the books and I’ll tell you what, this week had a little bit of everything. Cardiff City gets the spotlight first because as I continually shit on them they actually showed up to play against Arsenal. Scoring twice (and it should’ve been 3-4) against the Gooners was great to see and for at least one week I will leave you alone. Speaking of missed opportunities, Marcus Rashford what is you doing baby? If you’re going to get a red card, break that fucking guy’s septum. It was a dirty challenge especially after the whistle but man I’m tired of these weak ass headbutts (Looking at you Richarlison). These younger players can really learn a lot from Zidane, and he’s probably hoping he gets to United soon. Marcus Alonso was very lucky to not get a red card and continues to be one of the best players thus far. I call him Marcus AlonSoGood because he is playing great lately. Alisson bet Leicester +1 this week and did his very best to make that push. Kyle Walker absolutely ripped a clap bomb bottom titty to give City all 3 points and Watford stung the Spurs into paralysis. Boom. Another week, another fire intro. Lets dive into this week’s power rankings like we’ve been headbutted by a Premier League player.


Liverpool – Still at the top of the table with another unconvincing win at Leicester. The offense really looks out of sync, and for some reason Klopp took Keita out of the starting lineup.. which didn’t help. Jordan Henderson came in and immediately the cross field passes that truly get nothing done were on full display. They actually came out of the gates fast, and Salah missed an absolute sitter before Mane continued his Trail of Tears march on opposing defenses. 4 goals in 4 games ain’t a bad start, and this man may very well be the best attacking option for Liverpool. The real story of this game was Alisson and his slower than AIDS turn, which led to a goal for Leicester. Van Dick passed the ball back, and granted it wasn’t a good pass (Alisson made sure to lament that after the game) but still the Brazilian should’ve done better with it. He allows Iheanacho to take his cookies leaving a gaping net for Leicester to score even though it took them almost a full minute to punch it in. It really seemed like an unnecessary move, but no harm no foul as Liverpool continues to get results. Got the scoreline dead right on this game again, you’re welcome. I hope I can make some people money, as I haven’t had much luck so far this year when it comes to gambling. Anyways, shout out to the newest Liverpool fan and an associate of Cigs Indoors Dave Meyers for already having a Salah shirt and buying into Klopp’s heavy metal football. YNWA.

Manchester City – Probably going to keep flipping City and Chelsea for the time being but I’m putting them here because I still think people would rather face Chelsea than City any day of the week. Not a good effort from City either this week but results are what matter in the beginning of the year. Sterling curved in a delightful goal in the opening stages and it looked like we were in for another blowout. Credit to Newcastle they stole one back and almost held on for a point. Deandre Yedlin scored his first PL goal with a gut busting run to the back stick and City wasted many opportunities. Gabriel Jesus just can’t seem to find the net everything is off target or directly at the goalie. He needs to figure out how to score goals obviously. Kyle Walker scored the winner on an absolute blast from 25 yards out. His first goal as well. I was fearful for the fans in the top row as he lined it up but credit to him he finished beautifully to snag all 3 points. Newcastle packed it in but City need to convert their chances going forward because it should’ve been 4-5 instead of the 2 they got. Also need to hope Sane gets back from the doghouse, the man is too talented to not be making the bench for City, figure that shit out Leroy. Really want to make a Leroy Jenkins joke but it’s hard when he doesn’t play so credit to me for putting up with this.

Chelsea – Sarri ball is alive and well in London as the Blues beat the upstart Bournemouth 2-0. Score line was a little unfair to Bournemouth as they definitely should’ve had at least 1 goal from Callum Wilson. Marcus Alonso continues to be a force down that left side, setting up Hazard again to put the game out of reach. He probably should’ve been thrown out when the game was still tied because of a second yellow but it’s not his fault the ref missed it. Pedro is in great form and the build up to his goal was beautiful. His quick feet and accuracy on the strike weren’t too bad either. The only thing that still concerns me about Chelsea is the defense. If you can break past Kante and Jorginho the center backs are not that good and when the Blues play a team that can exploit that, they could be in trouble as we saw against Arsenal. The midfield is so damn good though and Jorginho looks worth the money and then some. Pissed I put Chelsea 6th in my pre-season rankings but I’m not perfect.

Tottenham – I really don’t want to say I called this but if you read my blog last week I absolutely called this. The Spurs lost for the first time this season at Watford and it was a Spursy effort at its finest. Beating United at Old Trafford only to go to Vicarage Road and lay an egg at Watford is why the Spurs hang banners and not trophies. A little harsh I get it because Watford hasn’t dropped a single point this season but if you want to win a championship you can’t be dropping points here. Especially when you score first, Harry Kane has looked a shell of himself to start this season. Dele Alli looked GASSED in the second half and the Spurs just let Watford hang around and eventually score twice on set pieces. Gotta be better for Tottenham and a visit from Liverpool after the International break is not an easy task.

Watford – “I’m a rocket man” Troy Deeney blurted out after that beer belly having man scored the equalizer against Tottenham this weekend. “Don’t let the sun go down on us” every fan screamed as the final whistle blew and the Hornets were still undefeated. What else can you say about this team I mean who could’ve predicted this? I did actually. It was a classic trap game for Tottenham but give credit to Watford the boys didn’t give up and won the damn game. Top of the table with 12 points out of 12 is impressive and this team at home is a force to be reckoned with. Any time you have the tiny dancer himself in the stands you know you have a shot at winning. This was their first truly impressive win and here’s hoping they can keep it going after the break.

Man United – Alright maybe they aren’t dead (see Burnley), but a win is a win. The legendary Turf Moor was a fortress last year but this 2-0 win was nice to see if you are a United supporter. Lukaku had a brace but honestly should’ve scored like 8 times he had that many chances. It was a solid performance form most of United but Pogba missed a penalty and Rashford got a red so there is still cause for concern. Rashford did the little English headbutt that wouldn’t have stunned a squirrel and promptly was sent off. Nice little jog through the park for him. Pogba did his dickhead slow run up and Joe Hart had a nice save in fairness to him. Burnley just never threatened even a man up for the last 20 minutes and United should’ve scored a couple more times. The banner flying above the pitch criticizing Ed Woodward was a nice tough, a play right out of the New York Jets playbook. Cheers United fans.

Arsenal – Don’t love putting them here but no one else impressed me this week. They beat Cardiff but what a whirlwind it was. Petr Cech has bet the over in every single Arsenal game so far and can’t be blamed for it not hitting. He routinely forgot what color his team was wearing and created more chances for Cardiff than Cardiff has in the first 3 games. Cardiff did actually put in 2 goals so for anyone on Arsenal’s defense, you should retire. This team going forward is going to have to score more goals than the opposition and the combo of Lacazette and Aubemeyang is scary when Emery actually starts them together. I feel like I say this every week but once Torreira and Lacazette get starting nods Arsenal might be dynamic. Until then we get to watch the brilliance of Xhaka and Cech trying to play out of the back.

Bournemouth – Tough loss to Chelsea at Stamford bridge but they looked decent for long stretches of this one. Had chances to score just couldn’t find the back of the net. Chelsea will eventually find a way to score with all the quality they have and that is exactly what happened. Still a great start to the season.

Wolves – Great result for Wolves away to Dead Ham. Pulled out a win at the end like they belong here and moved to 5 points on the year. This team could definitely make some noise and are fun to watch.

Leicester – Held in there for a while but mistakes did them in. Everyone stopped playing before Mane opened the scoring and then they forgot to mark Firmino off a corner. That’s what happens against Liverpool but they look good going forward and Vardy will be back in no time.

Everton – Bad draw home against Huddersfield. You can’t be dropping points to Huddersfield at home its unacceptable for a team fighting for a Europe spot. They lacked creativity without Richarlison and with him out the next 2 games it could get worse.

Southampton – Tidy 2-0 win against Palace this weekend. I bet against them and that fuck Mark Hughes came to collect. Palace was missing their best player which I had no knowledge of but hand up, that is on me for not doing research.

Fulham – They might be higher if not for blowing a 2-0 lead to Brighton. They looked great in the first half and Shurrle got on the scoresheet again. Mitrovic is a bully and I wouldn’t want to see that dude in a well lit bar after I’ve had 8 drinks and 6ix9ine comes on. Hopefully that never happens.

Brighton – Glenn Murray is da gawd and a brace helped secure a point for Brighton. His intelligence running off the ball and getting into dangerous spots makes him such a solid player for the Seagulls.

Crystal Palace – Not holding too much against them without Zaha but this issue will continue to plague them. Zaha is the entire team and without him they suck. Last time I ever waste $25 on them without Zaha. Benteke sucks as well, getting nothing from him this year.

Newcastle – Spirited effort from the Magpies but alas an all too familiar result. I understand why Rafa is setting his team up the wall he is but it’s not fun to watch. Bright spot has to be Yedlin who made a hell of a run to finish his first ever PL goal. Good for the American.

West Ham – Oh wow look at that, West Ham is all the way down here. For good reason, they have 0 fucking points this year. They’re not gelling as a team and it does not look good going forward. Tough schedule and a lack of cohesion has Pellegrini wondering when the first point will come. Until then we can confidently call them Dead Ham and may god rest their souls. Need another Dead Ham fan meltdown, storm the pitch lads!!

Cardiff – I’m very happy for Cardiff this week as they scored twice against Arsenal and looked competent. They just need to play Arsenal’s defense every week to keep up that confidence going forward.

Huddersfield – Decent draw against Everton. Did not sniff this game but credit to Wagner for getting a point.

Burnley – I’m confident Burnley will get out of this rut now that their European run is over but it was bad again. With the extra rest the team will shore up and win some games but for now they’re in the cellar.


International break has robbed us of EPL this weekend so no predictions. I’ll have another blog next week with some previews of the bigger games so stay tuned for that and as always thank you for reading this anti West Ham blog (all 20 of you).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *