In honor of Little Italy’s Feast of San Gennaro coming to an end, I’ve decided to add one piece of joy to the Italian-American community with this blog. Being born with Italian blood is one of my greatest accomplishments. If you are like me, then you probably know that there are many benefits to having ancestors that come from that little Mediterranean boot, and for those who don’t, I’ll gladly fill you in on what you’ve been missing out on.
Food and fashion are probably amongst the most obvious attributions any outsider can link to Italy, but there’s a whole lot more that lies below the surface.
For instance, Italians were on the wrong side of World War II, and nobody even mentions it, let alone complains. Germany took ALL the bad PR, which is as hilarious as it probably is deserving. I guarantee if you ask 100 people “what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when i say Germany? 95 of them will say Nazis or Hitler. Now, ask the same question to someone, but say Italy, they’ll probably say mafia, or domestic violence.”
Another amazing benefit of being Italian is that you get to say “you’re welcome” for shit that you had literally no part in the creation of. Oh yeah, you like pizza? You’re welcome. Oh, you enjoy historical literary pieces like Dante’s Inferno? You’re welcome. Oh, you like that little thing called democracy? You’re welcome. Alright, maybe the Greeks came up with democracy, so what? Isn’t claiming that it’s ours and not giving a shit about it being un-factual just the most Italian shit ever? Yeah. Go fuck yourself .
Unfortunately for us, it seems we have fallen a long way from the days of Michelangelo, Da Vinci and the likes of other proponents of the Italian renaissance. Hell, Italy didn’t even make the World Cup this year, but that’s alright because no matter how bad it’s goin’, you’ll never be able to tell how we’re actually feeling emotionally, we’ll just hide it behind wise crack jokes and pretending to not give a shit about things that really matter. Another perk.
Also, the fatter you get, the cooler you get. I can’t even take credit for this joke, Adam Sandler said this in Big Daddy. But it’s so true. Gluttony runs deep throughout the Italian culture, and it probably has some historical links to the days of kings and where obesity was a sign of power. The more powerful you are, the less you are required to do, hence why the bosses’, whether it’s the mob or an aristocrat/ member of the royalty, these guys are always fat. Trust me, if you could get away with being fat and it having no negative implications and arguably even some positive benefits, you’re a bullshit liar if you say no.