It’s that time of the year again, football season is finally among us. This means reserving your Sunday’s to do sit sit around and do nothing but eat wings, drink copious amounts of alcohol and watch football. This may sound like it’s easy, or that this is some sort of fairytale stress free world that we live, but it is anything but that. If you’re like me and the rest of the NFL viewing community, you’re most likely in a fantasy football league, and if you are, you know the mental stress is equivalent to a Vietnam POW.
Scheduling The Draft
This may not sound like a hard task to the average person, but let me tell you, scheduling a day where 10-12 people are free to draft is harder than setting up a meeting to talk to the President. The group chats are the most convoluted conversations of all time. Just when you think you have a day scheduled, some fucking person texts back saying they can’t do it that day and cucks everyone. For example, last year I had my sister’s wedding during the draft, except nobody fucking rescheduled it for me, and I had to go on god damn auto-draft. As you can imagine, I was very rattled by our leagues decision.
Arguably the most stressful day/night of the year, draft night. This is where all of the research and preparation you’ve been doing for months comes to test, or if you’re like me, all the research you did the day of the draft because you’re a huge procrastinator and even your death will be procrastinated, but I digress. This is also the night where you realize your research didn’t mean shit, because all of the guys you were eyeing are probably going to be taken because that’s how the draft goes, but this won’t stop you from thinking that you have the best team ever assembled by the 8th round.
When your heart starts racing after you hear the ESPN jingle, you know it’s time fucking go, but wait? What’s that? Somebody forgot to enter the draft and you have to wait a whole three god damn minutes for their turn to end because someone doesn’t have their priorities straight? This is a tale as old as time.
Finally, it’s your turn to pick, because obviously in the decade+ you’ve been playing fantasy, you never get the first pick. The first round is traditionally the easiest, you already know who you’re taking and if you don’t, just fucking give up. The next few rounds are tricky though. If you’re like me, you probably can’t handle criticism very well, and the last thing you want to do is draft somebody and you have your whole league laughing at you. This embarrassment will last until next year, unless your contrarian pick pans out. This is why you must keep your cheat sheet and research on you at all times.
After a daunting two hours, the draft is finally over and you think first place is a fucking lock. You have no doubt in your mind that you’re taking home all the money.
A task that sounds so simple and relaxing turns out to be the complete opposite. If you’re a degenerate like me, not only are you in a fantasy league, you’re also playing daily fantasy, because why not? What’s more stress and money to a broken man like you?
Now that the 1 p.m. games have finally started, you have your laptop in front of you and you’re switching back and forth between every possible game on tv and you’re refreshing your phone every minute on fanduel to see if any of your daily fantasy players have scored. This is where the stress really starts taking a toll on you. It’s almost halftime, and only one or two of your guys are exceeding expectations, the rest of your team is bringing you terrible shame. You have no idea what’s going on, you start shouting and tweeting such terrible things, it doesn’t help the cause. Your will for that week has been shattered, you must accept the loss and most likely accept the money lost in fanduel that you thought was going to win you millions. This cycle will repeat multiple times throughout the entirety of the season.
After being fucked many times during the season, and once again being knocked out the playoffs, you tell yourself you are done playing fantasy. But we all know this is a lie, you’re gonna be repeating this stress filled cycle for the rest of your remaining years. The best you can do is to just improve your research and enjoy wings and alcohol.