There’s nothing like waking up on a weekend and the sun is shining, it’s a cool 65 degrees and you can finally drive comfortably with the windows down. You spring-up from your bed and go drive yourself to the gym or to get breakfast. The windows are down with that cool air hitting yourself in the face like you’re a dog, nothing can possibly ruin this day. But wait? What’s that? A fucking middle-aged man who thinks he’s Lance Armstrong is riding his bike in the middle of the road at 30 mph. These people are called cyclists, and they’re the worst.
The first thing I want to address about cyclists- is that I don’t understand what makes them think they can just ride their bikes in the middle of the road. If you can’t peddle that mongoose mountain bike 50+ mph,then get the fuck out of the middle of the road. Trust me, I have ridden a mountain bike before, I know it feels like you’re going super-fast in seventh gear, but you’re not. You’re actually teetering on getting hit by the 50 cars trailing you. And yeah, thanks for your fucking hand-signals man, I really remember my permit test from eight years ago.
The only thing worse than one cyclist in the road, is groups of cyclists. The last time I fucking checked, we don’t do the Tour de France on Long Island, so why the fuck do I see a group of 50 middle-aged guys/women on bikes flying down the god damn highway every Sunday. The Tour de France is at least closed off- Montauk Highway on the other-hand, is not, which contrary to popular belief- is very dangerous. Not only that, just when you think all of the cyclists have passed, there’s always one fucking guy that’s a mile behind everyone. What the fuck are you doing, dude?
The attire that these people wear is my least favorite thing about them. They think that their Hey Arnold shaped helmet and skin tight uniform(I don’t know what it’s called) gives them all the right in the world to be a nuisance to society. I’m sorry, but you just look silly. Silly people, wearing silly outfits, riding silly bikes.
Listen, the only way I’ll allow you guys to continue riding without me having any problems, is to go to Town Hall, and try to negotiate a cyclist track for the town. You guys aren’t driving cars, and it’s not fair to the rest of us out of shape assholes to drive behind you and inconvenience our days by a few minutes.