Being hungover is literally the worst feeling in the entire world, trust me, I spend about 50% of my life in this state. Feelings of heartbreak nor betrayal don’t even come close to the indescribable agony that derive from some of the brutal hangovers I’ve gotten throughout my career of binge-drinking. One would imagine that a degenerate-alcoholic such as myself would be able to tolerate hangovers at this stage of my life better than I would when I was younger, but you’d be mistaken. Hangovers are still just as shitty today as they were when I first started stealing booze from my parent’s liquor cabinets. It’s a tale as old as time, and you better schedule your day-after-drinking accordingly, otherwise you might be forced to perform some of these already shitty tasks with that killer-hangover.
Simply existing while being hungover is literally one of the worst things you can do. Death never seemed so sweet, after waking up with the taste of booze still in your mouth and the scent of cigarettes still on your fingers. This combination almost always ends with your face in the toilet and those tequila shots making a reappearance. I’m pretty sure this is what every tourist in Mexico call’s Montezuma’s Revenge.
Going to the gym
Nothing is more pointless than a hungover workout. You can literally get more out of Christopher Reeve’s legs than you’ll get out of going to the gym with a hangover. First of all, I already bullshit my way through every gym session and just pretend like I’m working out, so I deserve a goddamn Oscar for every time I go to the gym with a hangover and have to pretend like I’m actually working out enthusiastically. So, if you ever run into me lifting on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday, just know that I’m dead inside. Engaging in exercise of any form the day after a bender is literally the most impressive thing a man can do, and for those people who willingly go to the gym the next morning, I salute you. You guys deserve a goddamn medal or something, because I have never wanted to go to the gym once in my entire life, I just somehow get tricked into going everyday by my friends.
Looking at your Bank Account
If your like me, you like to have a good time, and when your wasted it’s very easy to keep the good time’s rolling as long as you have a debit or credit card. Personally, I never carry much cash on me due to the fear of losing it, and debit cards typically are far more convenient. I thought that I had it all figured out, until recently. Somewhere down the line bars figured out that it would be a good idea to institute minimums for opening and closing tabs at the bar, and ever since then my bank account has never recovered. You can see a direct correlation between the implementation of minimums at bars, and my generosity increasing when out for a night on the town. I almost always buy drinks for everyone once I hear that I have to basically spend at least $20 every different place I go to. Challenge Accepted. This of course is because I’m the only douchebag with a card. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve drunkenly uttered the phrase “Just Venmo me.”, and then later realized that I don’t even have a fucking Venmo account. Every time I drink it seems like my constant obsession over worrying about money goes right out the window, and I become of the “It’s just money, you can’t take it with you when you die” kind of mentality. Of course, this eventually leads to a complete change in heart the next morning when I realize I spent $200 on a night I can’t even fucking remember. This doesn’t even include tips, which I usually get hit with a day or two later. I want to die just thinking about it.
Drive to Connecticut
Nothing screams “Give me a DWI” like driving across state lines just hours after you’ve stopped drinking. I have partaked in many of these road-trips the morning after boozing due to a previous love interest of mine whom lived in the next-state-over. It is absurd to think about how many times I somehow successfully made this torturous 2 hour trek. A good podcast and drive-thru McDonald’s breakfast is always a must.
Go to Work
If you have work the day after drinking heavily you might as well just euthanize yourself because theres a 120% chance that not only is the day going to completely drag, but you also look like the biggest scumbag on planet Earth. When I was in high school I used to work at a little department store called Kohl’s as a cashier. After puking during work hours multiple times not only in the bathroom, but once on the actual cash register, the manager finally took the hint and stopped putting me on the schedule for Saturday mornings. Now this may seem like an ingenious plan by myself, but I’ll tell you right now, trekking to work on 3 hours sleep to scan shitty Tony Hawke apparel and stock home-goods while your still drunk has literally taken years off my life.
Read your Texts
Drunk texts are responsible for 95% of my embarrassment, but they’re also the backbone of mankind. How do you think humans find mates for reproduction? Drunk texting. There is literally no chance in Hell that:
1. Anyone has ever had sex with someone for the first time sober.
2. A man would be willing to make a baby with a chick else unless he was blackout drunk.
Unfortunately for us, for every 1 chick that agrees to coming over, there is 5 others who will never look at you in the same light after receiving drunk texts, and they might even block your number/contact the authorities. That’s a risk you’ve got to be willing to take, and I don’t know about you, but I like those odds.