“Where’s My Hug”- A Beta’s Response to MeToo

Someone’s gotta stick up for the little guy once in a while am I right? And by little guy I mean my hilariously petite penis. The Beta’s of our society are under great distress during this unprecedented spotlight attack on Alpha’s that fucked with the wrong women. These sexy brothers played it too fast and loose with their genitals and now every wannabe cuck is scrambling to put together the pieces of life as we once knew it. We never had to worry about grabbing too much butt at a co-worker’s party, we were never invited in the first place. And what’s all this nonsense about the blurred lines between flirting and harassment; I haven’t even spoken to a girl in like 4 months. Society is set up to enforce laws on the most reckless of our citizens, but the mere presence of all these laws are pestering our already anxiety ridden beta bodies!!!


Look everyone, I am not pumping up… I am airing out. Since Thermopolis, there has been a clear division between the alpha male and the beta male. Even the retard who touches the top of every doorway in high school knows that. Fuckin’ idiot. But through globalization, the silk road, MeToo and Emily Ratajkowski, the lines are starting to get blurred. Some sneaky buggers from the beta society thought that money and fame could hide their complete sexual ineptitude. HA! We keep a database. Just like the STI clinic, no queens are getting away from me. Okay that’s a weird joke, we’ll leave it in though. What I am saying is that many men who thought they would never see a woman’s nipple outside of home, were suddenly thrust into fame and fortune with the advent of social media, and now they’re blowing it. The Alpha’s are looking to kick someone’s ass for causing this movement and I fucking forgot Al Franken’s number, so the Beta’s are holding the bag. Which Odell just secured btw shouts out Gmen.


Here is the part where the article really breaks down. It doesn’t actually get that intense and you can make noise if you want, but pay attention. I have mentioned that there was a clear division between groups and now it’s starting to merge. I mentioned the beta’s lack of sexual prowess and the alpha’s lack of not sucking. I even told you my penis is small. But it seems like I’m just a poor ugly bloke who is waving his fists at the sky asking “WHYYY?!?!” Wrong. I’m waving my 45 cent off coupon in front of Margaret at King Kullen so I can get my coconut oil and leave already. I am just taking a quick peak at society and giving you the initial response. What I will provide this time around is a solution. An all problems solved to the sexual misconduct plaguing our society. Let’s see how bad this goes.


What this country needs is a place where any citizen can go, and for a decent price they will be left alone for an hour in a room with a freshly dead body. Holy shit think of the possibilities. Get all your NARPS in a row and file them into this place. I guarantee within a fortnight the reported 911 calls revolving women and unwanted man-cum will decrease by 37 %. You could decorate the place with awesome MARVEL paraphernalia and lengths of prison sentences they won’t have to serve anymore. Even get the catholic ministry betas and partner them with the coroner at St. Jude’s. We could be paving the streets with cotton candy but instead we put a tax on sugar and made hot air a social no-no. You know, fucking ourselves over in the most beta way possible. It is weird fucks like us that run for House and Senate office, so we make the law. We just can’t seem to find our little Garden of Evan inside.


Anyway, there is a backgammon tournament in my den on Thursday if anyone wants to come, I’m making cake pops too! Tom, toss me a heater.



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