Umbrellas Are For Pussies

Since we’ve been experiencing such shitty weather lately in the North-east, I feel it is extremely important that I chime in on a related topic before you guys possibly make the grave mistake of leaving your house wielding an umbrella.

After living in Florida for four years, I quickly learned that having an umbrella on your person at all times was seemingly a requirement for living in the supposed “Sunshine State”. I don’t know what dip-shit gave Florida this title, but they must have been either 1. Trying to trick people into coming to this God-Forsaken place, or 2. Napping between the hours of 2 – 4 p.m. during their stay. I say this because it rains literally every-fucking-day around this time. This is not ideal for students like myself, who tend to have class during these hours.

I often found myself constantly trekking through a monsoon on my 5-minute walk from the parking garage to class, and I would inevitably have to sit through an entire 2 hour lecture soaking wet. Yes, it sounds rather awful doesn’t it? Thankfully, I was never alone on this suicide mission, in fact I’d estimate that about 70% of my classmates were also drenched on days that it down poured.

Unsurprisingly, there were some people who felt like they were too-cool to get a little wet, and these goodie-two-shoes packed an umbrella. Little did these people know that this plan would entirely backfire. Instead of looking all high-and-mighty by walking into class with nice hair and dry clothes, they instead looked like complete Try-Hard’s.

It’s safe to say that on days when your sitting in class for a couple hours completely drenched, it’s a little bit harder to focus on the curriculum. This is called “Floridian Water Torture”, which is when your soaked to the point that water is dripping down your legs and going into your shoes, making your socks wet. There is literally nothing worse than wet socks, and if people wore socks during the Dark Ages this would undoubtably be another form of Medieval torture. I truly believe in this theory, that being wet makes it substantially harder to focus. I believe it so much so, that I’d go out on a limb and say that there is a direct correlation between people who use umbrellas having better grades than those who don’t. Guess what, still doesn’t make it worth it. Not for one second. This is because when you walk into that classroom, especially if your a dude, and your holding an umbrella in your hand, everyone takes a little mental note of what kind of guy you are. GOOD LUCK hitting on that girl from Chemistry class at the bar on Thursday if you came into class with one of those goofy-lookin’ Mary Poppin’s-ass umbrellas in your hand dude. You got no chance. Want to know why? Because you look like you care too much, and that’s the most unattractive quality in a female’s eyes. If you care about literally anything, you won’t get chicks.

These people literally make me sick. The fact that people actually think that using and umbrella is a good idea is hilarious. Do you realize how much of a Cuck you have to be to pitch one of those upside-down cupcake wrappers above your head? I could never. People who walk around using umbrellas are similar in a lot of ways to people who wear gloves at the gym. You know that they are effective, but you wouldn’t dare use them in public. The ONLY way using an umbrella is acceptable is if your wealthy enough to afford a butler, preferably someone who resembles Michael Cain, and have him hold one above your head everywhere you go while he gets completely soaking wet. Aside from this very specific scenario, these things scream Beta. Trust me, I’m something of an expert on this matter, and I remember every face of every person I have ever seen holding an umbrella.


About Brandon Resta

Brandon Resta is a writer/podcaster. He attended the University of Tampa where he studied creative writing and film. Whilst attending college he won scholarships for his film criticism, and was the University of Tampa's Official Film Critic. Arguably his most impressive achievement to date is winning the superlative of "Class Complainer".

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