Top 5 Times the Catholic Church Cucked Humanity

Throughout history, people have always been scammed and fucked by many different groups and organizations.  However, not one group has ever fucked as many people than the Catholic Church.  From burning people at the stake, scamming people of their hard earned cash, cucking people out of payments for jobs, or actually fucking people, the Catholic Church is the worst.  This is why I’m about to rattle off the top 5 times the Catholic Church has cucked someone.

5. Making People Attend Religion Class

This one is probably the least harmful on this list, but nonetheless, I gotta put it on here.  There’s not many things worse as kid than having to attend religion class.  It’s one thing if we only had to do it for a year, but I had to go to religion from fucking 2nd grade to 8th grade.  That’s six fucking years wasted of my life.  All I wanted to do as a kid when I got home from school was play with my friends and play video games, but nope, one or two days  a week( I forget how many days I had to go) I had to fucking learn about Jesus and other shit I didn’t care about.  This was the literal no fun zone.

4. Not Paying Michelangelo

This one could have honestly been number one for me.  For the people that do not know, in 1508 Pope Julius II hired Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, one the most remarkable works of art you will ever witness, and did not pay the fucking guy.  This took Michelangelo FOUR fucking years to complete.  Not only did it take him four years, he suffered life long back injuries from this.  He had to make a contraption so he could lay on his back and paint the god damn ceiling.  I don’t know how the fuck he didn’t burn the whole building down.  If I painted one the most beautiful pieces of art the world has ever seen and simultaneously ruined my back and was not compensated for my work, I would have threw a fit that would make the Boston Tea Party look like a day care center.  The only way he could have been cucked worse is if the Pope actually fucked his wife in front of him, that may have happened too, I don’t know.

3. Making People Pay Actual Money For Their Sins

Coming in at number 3, one of the biggest fucking scams of all time, making people pay cash for their sins.  I had to put this one on just because I’m pissed I wasn’t alive to create this.  This act of paying for your sins is called indulgences.  Back in 1517, the Catholic Church thought of this brilliant idea to charge money for a piece of paper(indulgences) so the person could be forgiven of their sins and future sins, so they did not end up in hell and or purgatory.  As you could imagine, the Catholic Church made a fucking killing off of this.  This makes Bernie Madoff look like a little school girl selling lemonade on the corner.  My favorite part about indulgences is that you could pay for sins you didn’t even commit yet.  People were probably putting down advanced payments to murder their friends in sword fights so they sleep with their wives.  Nonetheless, this was a brilliant business decision by them, until of course, that damn Marin Luther and his 95 theses came around.

2. Convicting Galileo of Heresy

As a big science/space guy, this one pains me.  The Catholic Church may have been great at scamming people out their money and making good business decisions, but they sure were fucking dumb and stubborn.  Back in the time of acceptance of different ideas in the good ol early 1600’s, scientist Galileo put forth and proved Nicolaus Copernicus’ heliocentric model of the Earth revolving around the Sun rather than vice-versa and was accused of heresy by the the Catholic Church in 1617, because of course they were super dumb and thought the Sun revolved around us.  Galileo was then forced to retract his statements and was put on house-arrest until he died.  The Catholic Church did not recognize the heliocentric model for another 300 years.  Galileo was not the only one cucked in this situation however, but humanity also got cucked out of many scientific discoveries, smh.

1. Fucking Little Boys

This one was a fairly easy decision for me and it’s a tale as old as time, Priests molesting young boys is bar none the worst god damn thing the Catholic Church did/still does.  As many people know, Catholic priests are not allowed to marry/have relationships with women because they are married to God, which sounds a little gay if you ask me, but I digress.  Since they are not allowed to dabble in heterosexual activities, I guess they thought a loophole would be molesting young boys instead???? I don’t know, that sounds much worse if you ask me, but I may be in the minority on that one.  I have two solutions for this one; 1.) Change the fucking laws to allow priests to marry or 2.) Disband the whole fucking organization.  I’m honestly the smartest person alive and should be listened to more often

Honorable Mentions

Burning Joan of Arc at the stake

The Crusades


Well, thanks for reading my historically accurate list everyone, I hope you liked it, and if you didn’t, that’s ok too.  I’m a very understanding person.



About Chris Benzola

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