Thanks for Nothing Coffee

Coffee in my opinion is mankind’s greatest scam. You may have recently read an article on this website of how great coffee is and how it has lead to the greatest inventions this world has ever seen, how no one who has ever done anything worth doing without a cup of these “magical beans.” Well guess what? Coffee is as fake as it comes. There’s only on thing that comes from Columbia that’ll help wake you up and it ain’t coffee.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a nice cup of coffee I drink it in many different ways, but I have never once drank coffee in an attempt to wake me up or give me an extra boost of energy. I will never understand why people think they need coffee to do anything. I can drink all the coffee my boyish tummy can hold and 5 minutes later go right to sleep. Coffee is literally just in your head that you think it’ll energize you so you’re tricking yourself into being awake.
I realized this the very first time I tried coffee and will refuse to believe anything other than that. Sometimes when I see mass groups of people having such a strong conviction in something I begin to think “maybe I’m not smarter than everyone I know and I’m the dumb one” but then things like coffee come to mind and I quickly debunk that thought. All coffee ever does is make you have to take a shit about 30 seconds after finishing it. If the entire world had the belief that yea I need coffee to cure my constipation I’d be totally down with that but no everyone’s out here thinking that they can go out slam 5 shots of Jameson and about 10 more beers wake up and a cup of joe will make them feel better.
Somewhere in history people began to think that they’re living in an old English fairy tale and have magic beans, not to grow some huge bean stock, but that just wakes them up. Sorry fellas doesn’t work like that, ever hear of the placebo effect? Along with coffee I truly believe headaches are something people think are a real thing that big medical groups have made billions selling fake pills like aspirin convincing you you need them to cure something that was all in your head to begin with. I’ve never once had a headache in my 23 years on earth. Sometimes I wish I could be like the rest of you sheeple so happily believing in these things but unfortunately I’m too woke. As the great Leonardo DiCaprio said in shutter island “is it better to live as a retard who believes coffe actually wakes you up or die being more woke than everyone else in the world”

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