Another week in the Premier League has come and it seems like no one told Huddersfield they had a game. Unai Emery’s start at Arsenal is as hot as Tugg Speedman in Scorcher III: Who Left the Fridge Open. United are more confused about their identity than Robert Downey Jr playing an Australian, playing a white American, playing a black guy. West Ham shit the bed worse than 10 Jack Blacks in The Fatties: Fart 2. Mo Salah learned how to act at the same level as Simple Jack and Ben Mendy continues to light it up like Alpa Chino in a booty sweat music video. End Scene. Going to preface this by saying if you’re looking for United or Arsenal, scroll down a bit they’re not on the first page. If you missed my week 1 rankings you can find them here:
1. Man City (2) – The Cityzens move up to one overall after their Blitzkrieg of Huddersfield. It was a scintillating display finishing 6-1 but honestly could’ve easily been 8 or 9 (looking at you, Jesus). The genius of Pep showed in this game with him moving Sterling and Mahrez to the bench and going with a more compact formation. Aguero and Jesus wreaked havoc up top with great support from Ben Mendy on the left side. Mendy picked up another 2 assists and was just a meat stick all game, marauding down the left side with no pressure. His assist to Aguero for the hat trick was delicious and he put pressure on the Terriers all game. David Silva was incredible from the start in front of his son Mateo, who spent 5 months in the hospital last year after being born premature. The guy still has it and his free kick to cover the spread (yeah, I hit that shit) was sublime. Robin Hood himself couldn’t have picked out a better spot to put that ball because Robin Hood didn’t play soccer he shot arrows you idiots. Aguero as usual with a hat trick and is my favorite to win the golden boot. Apparently, he’s been dealing with a knee issue for 5 years and got it all cleaned up in the offseason. He’s been buzzing around and with the offense City have he will get his chances. You must play football with courage and that is what City are doing, look out Wolverhampton.
2. Liverpool (1) – Liverpool drop a spot this week just because of the opposition they’re playing. They didn’t look that good against Crystal Palace but alas they got the result they needed. Bit controversial here with two calls going against Palace but I do think they were the right ones. Salah got shot right before half but after further review Sahko actually clipped him on the ankle and he tripped. We seriously need Klopp back at Anfield because the lack of jacking off emotes made this game almost unwatchable. I need two hands around an imaginary dick holding on for dear life and I just didn’t get that from this game. Mane gets the goal in stoppage to cover the spread and send all those Palace fans who bet on the game even more pissed. The dynamic offense we saw in week 1 wasn’t there and its probably because Palace actually knew how to play defense but still, against better opposition the Reds might’ve ran into some trouble. Defense looked great though and what a signing Virgin Van Dick has been. He’s lost as many aerial duels as Aaron Burr and has helped plug all the holes in that back line.
3. Chelsea (3) – Ahhh the Blues, a hugeeeeee win against Arsenal at Stamford Bridge. Hand up, I didn’t watch any of this game because I was too busy ripping up the golf course and shooting an 89. But good news for us there is a thing called YouTube which I saw the highlights from. -Side bar- How does Chelsea not let Sarri smoke at the stadium? It’s an outdoor stadium what are they worried about secondhand smoke? He was put on this Earth to do two things. Teach no defense to his teams and inhale cigs at an alarming rate. He’s already done one of those things at Chelsea as the defense just looked awful. Arsenal had some sitters that should’ve been in but that is what you get when you start Granit Xhaka. He wasn’t involved with any of the plays in question but I just feel like if he wasn’t on the pitch they would’ve been in. Attacking wise, Chelsea look GOOD. Jorginho’s pass to release Marcus Alonso on the first goal was why there will be babies born 9 months form now with the name Jorge (boy or girl). Alvaro Morata for all the shit he’s put through had a nice goal. If Morata’s confidence level is me talking to a random smoke at the bar, then Mustafi’s confidence level is me talking to a random guy at the bar. Morata gave Mustafi a piggy back ride and then slotted home coolly. Petr Cech was doing Petr Cech things as he dove the wrong way for absolutely no reason. Anyway, Chelsea lets 2 in and then Sarri realized after his halftime full pack break that he had Eden Hazard on the bench. Was tempted to put Chelsea up at 2 this week just because of the thought of Hazard starting in this system. Defense needs to shore up going forward but boy are they fun to watch.
4. Tottenham (5) – The Spurs get to hang up another banner, “Harry Kane scored in August”. How exciting for that fan base especially because their new stadium is almost ready. By the time the Spurs move into their new stadium, everyone else will have already commuted to Mars. Spurs won comfortably 3-1 against Fulham with goals from Trippier Redd, Kane, and Lucas Moura. Moura had a great bending strike with his left foot after missing the easiest chance he will ever have. Trippier Redd is the new free kick GAWD after his cracker of a strike for the second goal. Bending away from the keeper and into side netting is why 9 months from now babies will be born and their parents still won’t be able to go to the new stadium. Got you there didn’t I you thought I was going to say babies will be born and named “Kieran” but I went in another direction good for me. Overall, Tottenham looked solid and with the cohesiveness they have, look for them to keep getting results. It sucks that Harry Kane scored because now I can’t compare whether he’ll score first in August or the stadium will be ready. It makes things harder for me but I’m strong enough to push through it. Hang up the banner for me.
5. Bournemouth (9) – Surprise here as Bournemouth cracks the top 5 with a come from behind victory at West Ham. The Cherries showed a lot of heart with two second half goals including a Callum Wilson beauty. If Wilson was Kony in 2012 then the 6 West Ham defenders were everyone in the US because they could not stop him. A 50 yard run between 6 guys isn’t a recipe for success and Fabianski leaving his legs wide open did not help either. Hopefully Bournemouth can keep this going because I am a member of the Callum Wilson fan club.
6. Watford (10) – Watford just continues to impress with a 3-1 drubbing at the legendary Turf Moor. Burnley look bad and with all their Europe commitments it doesn’t look like it’ll get better. Andre Gray bagged one against his former team and Troy Deeney opened his Premier League account. Deeney holds the distinction of best fat guy playing soccer at the moment so always nice to see him score some goals.
7. Everton (6) – Decent result here for Everton, taking care of business at home against Southampton. Richarlison got another goal so now its around 17 million for each goal. The set piece play they cooked up for the first goal was as magical as Walter White’s meth. Walcott should’ve bagged a brace later in the game but still they got the win and look to keep moving forward.
8. Man United (4)– United are dead. This was such a bad loss there’s no denying it. It finished 3-2 but it was so much worse than that. Bailly and Lindlelof showed why Mourinho wanted another center back this summer. Bailly in particular had to have money on the game because he was just awful. Pogba reverted back to last year Pogba which as we all remember, sucked. If the point of the game was to hit meaningless long balls out of bounds, United would’ve won by 30. It really looked like the team is done with Mourinho. How could you blame them, they have a star studded team and are being forced to sit back against the likes of Leicester and Brighton. Give me a break, this is not playing football with courage. United showed as much attacking prowess as the tiger in the hangover after eating the roofie. They need to get rid of Mourinho or their chances of top 4 are gone.
9. Leicester (12)– The Foxes got a bit lucky this game with an own goal and a deflection but a win is a win. Vardy called the cops on his own party by performing a judo kick to the opponent’s legs. It was great form and that was the unfortunate part as he was rightfully kicked out of the game. It was a good play by him because at that point Leicester were a little too attacking and with 10 men it forced them to sit back and defend. He is always thinking of the team and it showed there.
10. Brighton and Hove (18) – Brighton and Hova ethered United to grab their first win of the season. The balding Glenn Murray took a shit right on Bailly and De Gea with a flirtatious flick to the back stick to open the scoring. Lewis Dunk left the game with an injury early on but they still held United to 2 goals. If Brighton can keep up the energy at home they could surprise some teams this year. Gross looked good from the start and with Knockhart roaming down the left side, teams have to be aware.
11. Crystal Palace (8) – I’m putting them here because I actually think they played well against Liverpool. They were unlucky to not salvage a point or cover the spread. Zaha is a star and looks to have a big season. Benteke is useless though why even play him at this point? Throw literally anyone else up there because he is not getting it done.
12. Arsenal (7)– Ahhh here they are Bcal. Like Indiana Jones searching through the Temple of Doom we have finally found Arsenal. A real tough start to the season with City and Chelsea but still need to find a way to get a point in these matchups. Emery had his team humming in the first half but decided to pack it in. Didn’t work as Chelsea got the winner late but with the way they played in the first half it didn’t make much sense. How he continues to start Cech and Xhaka baffles me. Leno and Torreira are upgrades and they’re sitting on your bench. Throw Lacazette in their too for God’s sake because he was the only one that seemed to care against City. They need to figure it out quick or our good friend Arsene will be back in no time for 20 more years of mediocrity.
13. Wolves (11) – Tough loss to Leicester but they hit the pipe in the first half more than Whitney Houston so it was a bit unlucky. Doesn’t get any easier when they host City this week but there could be a surprise there (not).
14. Fulham (19) – Got a goal against Tottenham but they were no match. Mitrovic should help going forward but they need a positive result soon.
15. Southampton (16) – Ehh, Mark Hughes still sucks. They tied it against Everton but never really threatened after that. Need to get rid of Mark Hughes.
16. Newcastle (13) – Missed opportunity here as they drew at home against fucking Cardiff. Kenedy didn’t complete a pass in the first half. That is so much harder than you would think. He then should’ve got a red card but somehow stayed in the game only to miss a penalty in stoppage. It goes to say that Newcastle would’ve seriously been better off playing with 10 guys.
17. West Ham (14) – Deader than United. Awful. 2-1 loss at home to Bournemouth. Only positive here is that none of the players punched any fans. Seriously that is the only positive.
18. Burnley (15) – Not looking good for the Clarets. Defense was their thing last season and letting up 3 to Watford at home is not a good look.
19. Cardiff (20) – Hey they got a point, good job boys. They actually have more points than Arsenal who would’ve thought. Keep it going Cardiff no one is cheering for you.
20. Huddersfield (17) – Annihilation at the Etihad doesn’t feel good David Wagner. It is City so it’s justifiable but still the game plan was shit and the players were shit. Need to pull it together.
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) August 18, 2018
Celebration of the Week: This Burnley fan took this shot to the face like a champ. Can’t help but think that she is used to taking balls to the face but still the reaction is impressive. Makes you wonder what Neymar would’ve done in the same situation…
Marquee Matchup: Tottenham vs United
Tottenham visits Old Trafford on Monday night. Call me crazy but this feels like a game that United find a way to win. I just can’t bring myself to say they’ll win so I’ll go 2-2 draw.
City 3 – Wolves 1
Liverpool 5 – Brighton 1
Chelsea 2 – Newcastle 1
Bonus MLS game of the week:
NYCFC take on the Red Bulls at Yankee Stadium. I will be in attendance so betting NYCFC big. ML is the move here I got it as 3-2 win for the lads in blue.