Premier League Power Rankings – Week 1

Premier League Power Rankings – Week 1

Ahh the first week of the premier league is done and if you took a guess on how many underdogs won, what would it be? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the same amount of new players Tottenham signed this year. Two Tottenham jokes in two Premier League blogs, lazy on my part but you get the gist. Every favorite won this week and we really only had one entertaining game. NBC missed the mark here showing Liverpool vs West Ham when the real game was over at St. Mary’s Park. Burnley and Southampton played to a goalless draw but you could Sean Dyche’s vision of a team with more discipline and organization then a Catholic school student. Southampton were hosting Burnley so they obviously didn’t want to be rude and score if Burnley didn’t. I know NBC wants the casual soccer fan to tune it but they should really stop playing the games that are blowouts with a lot of spectacular goals. Americans are a gritty people, we want to see disciplines defense and no attacking presence. By seeing these display of attacking ineptitude it makes us feel like our national team is actually better than it is. Shoutout to Timmy Weah for scoring his first Ligue 1 goal this weekend as well. Weah is a stud American winger playing on PSG and when they need a goal in stoppage to cover the spread they call on Timmy. On to the power rankings which are 100% accurate:

1.       Liverpool – Great start to the season for Klopp’s men with a 4-0 drubbing of a lifeless West Ham. The Reds superstars up top took advantage of the Hammers defense holding a line as high as Demi Lovato (allegedly). Salah got right into the action and Sadio Mane heated up like a spoon in Demi Lovato’s apartment (allegedly) with a relatively easy brace. Overall, Liverpool looked great as the defense was solid, flanks got up and down the field with ease and even Danny Sturridge got into the act after being on the field for 20 seconds. Good start to the season from the Anfield lads.

2.       Man City – City started right where they left off with a comfortable 2-0 win at the Emirates. Sterling was accused of being a little gun shy for England in the World Cup but shot a bullet at the boom mic in the back of the net to open his account this year. Petr Cech was left helpless as he forgot he had a left arm and could’ve just reached out. Poor lad had his helmet on a little too tight. City just knocked the ball around with relative ease and Bernardo continues to impress with a sublime finish for the second goal. Mendy was solid on the left side with two assists and this all happened with Sane and De Bruyne on the bench. Mahrez looked comfortable and will only get better as this season progresses. With the next 6 games against newly promoted sides look for City to start off with all 21 points.

3.       Chelsea – The Blues had a bumpy first half that still saw them race to a 2-0 lead. N’Golo Kante started the scoring off with a deft left footed finish and in his new advanced role in Sarri’s systems, look for him to get more chances in front of net. Jorginho scored a penalty at the stroke of half and in the run up he allowed enough time for Sarri to smoke 8 cigs. If it works no questions but he’d look like a total asshole if that PK didn’t go in. The reason I’m putting them this high is because of Eden Hazard. The guy comes on and immediately goes on a 60 yard slaloming run through the Huddersfield defense to set up Pedro for the third goal. He ran through them like a college freshman through a fraternity and showed a glimpse of how good he can be in this system. Sarri is banned from smoking on the sidelines in England so he resorted to eating the butts of his cigs. Can’t teach that kind of heart. Once an ass eater, always an ass eater.

4.       Man United – United beat Leicester 2-1 at Old Trafford but it really wasn’t that impressive. A Pogba penalty started it off then Man U just sat back in the Mourinho shell which makes sense against teams that aren’t Leicester. Kudos to Luke Shaw for inadvertently having a great first touch and the finish was magical. First senior level goal for him at United so good on you lad. Just can’t get too excited with this performance from United but Lukaku wasn’t in so there is more to be desired. Rashford as a target man does not work, those little newborn deer legs can’t hold the ball up for shit.

5.       Tottenham – Eh. Not much going on here for the Spurs away against Newcastle. They got the result but it was bland and they probably should’ve ended in a draw. Tottenham haven’t lost a game in which Dele scores and this one was no different. A great ball form Aurier and subsequent header by Alli was the winner Spurs needed in the 17th minute. I bet the under and thankfully was able to get back to sleep by 7:45 because yes the over hit with that goal. It will be interesting to see what happens first, Kane scoring a goal in August or me finding someone that actually cares about me. I’d throw some money on the latter.

6.       Everton – Solid result at the upstart Wolves. Richarlison had a brace so that’s $25 million for each goal so far. Down to 10 men for the better part of a half and still managed to pick up a point. As the new signings start to integrate they should only get better and better.

7.       Arsenal – New manager, same result. The Unai Emery era started off against City who are a class above Arsenal so it is hard to gauge where they are. It’s not hard to gauge that Cech should not be playing balls out of the back. The young kid Guendouzi looked competent for the most part but god they need to get Xhaka out of there. Guy is a cock flavored lollipop, only good for yellow cards and water breaks in the middle of the pitch. Lacazette was the only guy who showed some life, maybe they should start him.

8.       Crystal Palace – The Eagles are a fun team to watch and this was an impressive showing at Fulham. Wilfried Zaha continues to be the king and got on the scoresheet with a blistering run in the second half. After not scoring for 8 matches to start the last season, Palace needs to keep finding ways to put the ball in the net.

9.       Bournemouth – Ahh my boy Callum Wilson picks up right where he left off. TOTY Wilson was a force to be reckoned with in FIFA 18 and real life Wilson isn’t too bad either. Goal and assist is always a good start.

10.   Watford – Pererya had the goal of the week with his stunning volley off a corner and Watford are up and running. Solid 2-0 win to start.

11.   Wolves – The Wolves really missed an opportunity here. Home against Everton and up a man for a whole half is a place where you need to pull out a dub. *Spoiler alert* they drew but there are some good pieces in that squad to be successful this year.

12.   Leicester – Looked decent at United, the Vardy party was thrown a little late but we were all still invited. Chat shit get banged if you think Puel isn’t getting fired by Christmas. Bring on Thierry Henry and Leicester will soar.

13.   Newcastle – Good effort from Newcastle and unlucky to not secure a point. Hopefully Deandre Yedlin isn’t hurt too bad and can come back soon.

14.   West Ham – Awful. As lifeless as Demi….you know what I’m not going to finish that. Need to find an identity and figure out how to successfully get into the opponents half next game.

15.   Burnley – Scintillating display from the Clarets. The old mantra “You can’t win if you don’t score” is quickly turned around into “You can’t lose if you don’t let the other team score”. Lets see how it plays out.

16.   Southampton – You expect it from Burnley but not Southampton…just kidding you do expect it. They should’ve been relegated last season but maybe the second time is the charm. Mark Hughes seems awful by the way. Keep hiring this guy if you want a relegation battle.

17.   Huddersfield – Unlucky against Chelsea but this campaign is going to be tough for David Wagner’s men. Need to figure out how to get some offense. Wagner come to the USMNT if it doesn’t work out, please.

18.   Brighton – Didn’t watch any of this game but they got shutout so yeah they need to score more next game.

19.   Fulham – Disappointing effort in front of the home fans. $100 million spent to get shutout but Crystal Palace. Shad Khan needs to implement the Jaguars offense to this team in hopes of maybe getting 3 points going forward. A field goal pun into a premier league win, I can do it all. I know most people aren’t even reading this down here so maybe next time I’ll put a joke as good as this in United’s or Liverpool’s section. Tune in next week to see.

20.   Cardiff – Yeah didn’t watch this either but I’m assuming they didn’t do much. They’re not a good team. Don’t watch Cardiff if you don’t have to. It’ll be like watching the movie Lincoln which was probably more boring.


Celebration of the Week – Klopp’s double handed jerk off. Two hands for safety as they say. He was either rubbing out two dicks or using two hands for one ginormous slong. The way he looks down and admires what he is doing is the best part. I need that confidence every time I look down.  

Marquee Matchup: Chelsea vs Arsenal

The Blues take on Arsenal at Stamford Bridge this week. I expect Chelsea to win a close one 3-2. Hazard gets a brace and hopefully Petr Cech gets an own goal. Chelsea looked more secure in their new style than Arsenal did and the home field advantage will definitely help.

City will look to thrash Huddersfield at the Ethiad: City 3-1

Liverpool gets Crystal Palace on the Monday game. Palace is better than West Ham (maybe) but Liverpool are too good: Liverpool 3-1

United are visiting Brighton and Hove. Hope they prove me wrong (not) but I think a draw is in place. Brighton 1 United 1.

That’s all I have for this week as my wrist is about to fall off. Check back in next week for more awful jokes about Demi Lovato and power rankings based on a severe lack of research.

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