In the age of the Internet, we are exposed to more stupidity than the human race has ever seen before. Scrolling through social media platforms such as Instagram and Twitter often leave people such as myself baffled, and it’s not uncommon to see some Midwestern blockhead performing some idiotic task, such as jumping his good ol’ John Deere over his wife and kids. More times than not, someone gets hurt, which leads to a trained doctor having to solve this guy’s problem (his mutilated children). In my opinion, conception of individuals such as this chap could be avoided if we simply applied Charles Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection. Now, before you dismiss this arguably extreme concept, I want you to just bear with me while I elaborate a few steps on how to make Natural Selection work once more. Please keep an open mind.
Step 1: Remove all Emergency Services, Firefighters, and Law Enforcement.
The first step to bringing back Natural Selection is just to let people die. In order for human’s to truly get the most out of our species via Natural Selection, we need to stop people from stopping people from dying. If there’s a house on fire, let it burn. That house shouldn’t be there anyways. If there’s a shootout, let them bang it out South-Central style. Obviously there was some form of a dispute prior, and it’s none of our business to get involved, Officer. And of course, EMT’s, nurses, and doctors have gotta go. Members of these now worthless professions will just have to let people pass on through to the other side. Let the families of the ill save the money that they would have dished out on hospital bills. It might also prevent these victims from inevitably developing an addiction to pain meds. Your welcome. Along with this, lifeguards have also gotta let those kiddies drown. Only the strong will prevail. In the words of Ivan Drago, “If he dies, he dies.”
Step 2: Bring an end to all grocery stores.
Doing this will make getting food far more difficult. Only those who have a knack for hunting shall survive. Sorry bud, no more buying steaks or tubs of ice cream. You’re gonna have to kill a bear to get some meat, and it might be smart to find a few test subjects to test out which berries are edible and which are poison.
Step 3: Power off all electricity.
This next step forces us to resort back to our primitive ways, the be back in touch with Mother Earth. The Amish are already creaming over this idea. That’s right, no more cell phones, if you want to communicate with someone long distance you better find a reliable a carrier pigeon. We’re not sliding into DM’s anymore, we’re flying into your DM’s, literally. This also means no more heat, AKA all you people who never attended boys or girls scouts better learn how to make a fire or else you’re gonna be colder than my ex. Heartless bitch. Along with this, you better say your goodbye’s to anyone who’s on life-support.
Final Step: Release all diseases.
Those that have made it this far have an advantage for this final obstacle, unless your some Apple Cider Vinegar drinkin’ hippie who didn’t get vaccinated. All known diseases shall be release internationally, which means only the strongest people genetically who also possess the most superior immune systems shall survive. Only these superhuman’s will be permitted into our specie’s glorious future, and will lead us into our evolutionary promised land.
The world we live in is too nerfed up. Because of this, we’ve veered too far off our path and have inevitably become too soft. Adding these few minor obstacles can change the human race for the better. We will adapt and evolve, and most likely die, but that’s okay, because if our species cannot handle these few forms of Natural Selection, maybe we do not deserve a place on this planet anyways.