Why are All Future Nurses So God Damn Dumb?

After years of rigorous research and tedious human interactions, I have finally come to the indisputable realization, that Nurses, the people who we as a society often entrust with our lives, are amongst the most under-qualified people on this planet. Yes, you read that correctly. Nurses. The people who are literally supposed to know their head from their ass are often the same people who send out those “If you don’t send this to thirty people, you’ll be cursed for all eternity!” chain text-messages. You know what i’m talking about, and you probably have somebody in mind right now.

Everyone has at one point or another in their life ran into some hot blonde they knew from high school at a bar and asked that cliche question of “So, what do you do?”, and 99% of the time the answer is “I’m going to nursing school.” Every damn time I hear this answer, the first thing that comes to my mind is “Good god. I hope that me or anyone I love NEVER ever has you as a medical aid.” Somehow, the girl that probably couldn’t find a vein in Lou Ferrigno after arm day is going to be in charge of saving people’s lives.

These are the people who are so negligent to reality and social “No-No’s”, that they post Instagram pictures of them not even looking at the camera or have a SnapChat story that’s so long it makes a Lord of the Rings movie look like a short film. Ring any bells? People so awful that you are actually impressed with yourself for surviving a conversation of any duration with them at some point during the miserable existence that you call your “life”.

So, here I am asking the million dollar question, why is it that all girls going into nursing just flat out suck?

I found myself becoming marveled and obsessed with this trend, and have fallen asleep countless times in public library’s with my face in various scholarly journals after hours of studying the history of female medical aids throughout history’s ancient civilizations. Some have performed lobotomies and electroshock therapy on the craniums of some sorry-suckers, and others have at one time thought that smoking was actually good for you. This is where I realized that my theory might not be so crazy after all. Throughout the long history of medical practice, one thing remained true. Pretty much all nurses are dipshits.

After years of wondering how this phenomenon came to be, I decided to completely engulf myself into this seemingly unbelievable theory. What are the requirements of becoming an RN (Registered Nurse)? How much schooling is necessary? Why do men often fantasize about sexual encounters with hot nurses? You know it’s true. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Remember that time you were in the hospital ’cause you needed to undergo some minor surgery that most definitely has nothing to do with your unrealized alcoholism, and when the nurse came into the room, lifted up the lower half of your hospital gown you actually thought she was gonna give you a good old fashion’ tug job, just to be sorrily mistaken that instead she was just shoving a catheter up your pubescent size dick. We’ve all been there.

The only conclusion I could come to stems back to a theory that is equally disgusting as it is logical. We want to fuck nurturing mother figures. Sigmund Freud coined it the Oedipus Complex. I call it being a sick pervert.

And that is exactly why all nurses are as equally sexy as they are stupid. Because we as a society want them to be hot, and because we don’t really care enough about our own lives, so their attractiveness outweighs our will to live. Plain and simple. Case closed.

About Brandon Resta

Brandon Resta is a writer/podcaster. He attended the University of Tampa where he studied creative writing and film. Whilst attending college he won scholarships for his film criticism, and was the University of Tampa's Official Film Critic. Arguably his most impressive achievement to date is winning the superlative of "Class Complainer".

3 Replies to “Why are All Future Nurses So God Damn Dumb?”

  1. Yea, you can fuck off with your assumptions and worthless anecdotes because a majority of the registered nurses have a 4 year bachelor degree (which is likely more than you have) and are required to pass a rigorous national standard test (NCLEX).

    Your article is absolutely garbage and shows no attempt at journalism , it’s a biased clickbait attempt at best and fails basic journalism standards.

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