Translating Harry Potter Spells into Plain English

A whole weekend spent watching Harry Potter take down his inner demons with subpar wizarding and massive strokes of luck got me thinking. What would all the spells sound like if they were said in plain English instead of ancient Latin? I think it would sure help Harry a bit because he is such a mediocre wizard throughout the entire series. Let’s look at some of the more popular spells to see how we can make them easier to understand.

Expelliarmus Drop that shit dick fingers

Harry’s favorite spell is where we start. A basic disarming spell that is quite possibly the only spell Potter memorized in his 8 years at Hogwarts. It disarms the person you send it at and if powerful enough can actually knock them over slightly. You never see it in the movies because as we all know Harry is weaker than an AIDS infected immune system. The one thing I will say is I’m like 70% sure Harry actually kills Voldemort with this spell. Voldemort was steadily slinging Avada Kedavra’s his way but ultimately a basic disarming spell took down the most powerful wizard in the world. Now that’s just lazy writing.

Avada Kedavra Die, bitch!

Most powerful spell in the world, instant death for anyone who gets hit by it. It sounded nice when Voldemort really got into it but his shooting percentage using it was lower than Shaq’s outside the paint. We saw Snape use it on Dumbledore and it worked well there also Cedric Diggory took one to the fucking chin and he died but for the most part Voldemort couldn’t quite finish. The Dark One blew a 7-1 soul lead to Harry Fucking Potter, maybe try another spell bihhh. The green flash out of the wand is also aesthetically pleasing but man could you imagine two Expelliarmus spells going at it? There would be 12 books if that were the case so don’t worry J.K. Rowling I understand.

Imperio I want to be inside of you

Ahhh another unforgivable curse that gives the ability to control another person completely. Very useful for our lad Harry when he had to enter Gringotts. Seems like our boy has a little naughty in him after all. This spell is just hypnotizing on steroids but if we’re being honest, the weakest of the 3 unforgivables. You don’t see it utilized that much even though it seems like the most useful in getting what you want. It’s pretty much just blacking out and doing stupid shit for a couple hours because you have no control and you won’t remember. Sounds a lot like a Duke Lacrosse party (allegedly).

Accio Free Two-Day Shipping

Accio makes things appear right in front of you, much like free two-day shipping that is included in an Amazon Prime member account. Harry uses this a decent amount during the Goblet of Fire. Cedric Diggory had to be looking down from the clouds wondering why that fuck didn’t use it right away after that Port-Key took them to the cemetery. It only works when you think long and hard about what you want to summon so some 30 xrs wouldn’t hurt the cause. Accio being happy! – I exclaim every night before bed but up until this point it has sadly not shown up.

Stupefy Bang! (Mike Breen voice)

Big one here when using this spell is to channel ESPN play by play guy, Mike Breen. The louder and more convincing the BANGGGGGG is the harder this spell will hit. Another basic stunning charm that Harry uses a lot because, well it’s like a 3rd grade level spell. This charm is about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop because it doesn’t even work against Giants, Trolls, Dragons etc. Thankfully that doesn’t stop Harry from using it and doing absolutely nothing while his friends are being slaughtered around him. I think he went against the Basilisk with this one and thought it would do damage. That would be like using a level 6 Rattata against fucking Mewtwo. Sure, if Mewtwo forgets to attack you might get one tail whip in but that is the extent of the damage you’d do. Chalk this one up to Harry just not caring enough to learn better spells because he is lazy and insecure.

There’s definitely more than that I just don’t have the attention span or desire to entertain right now so I will leave that up to you. @conormc21


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