I haven’t had a cigarette outdoors since the last time I masturbated to a Scooby Doo drive in movie. And boy did that cig suck. It wasn’t until I duct taped all my windows that I could finally spark a Killer and catch my breath. Pheww. It even made the movie more enjoyable. But with the cigs outside movement having taken over our way of life, we must adapt and overcome. There’s one trick I use with friends to make smoking cigs outside not completely suicide worthy. We speak in code. Only cig smokers understand, so only cig smokers should continue reading.
#5 Kissing Sisters
This is pure absurdist comedy with only one intention, to freak the shit out of everyone around you. This is perfect for big parties that mix family and friends, like graduation parties. You’re sitting around a fire with a few friends and a few 50-year-old men that you genuinely have no idea who they are, then you just say, “Johnson and I will be right back, we gotta kiss our sisters.” The trick with this is that during the party, all cig smokers must have a similar dead-sister story that they subtly tell everyone. The more people with daughters you tell, the better the cigarette will taste, I promise you.
If you are clever enough you can make this work in almost any situation. That is because of the implicit sexual nature of the word Nail. Except only high schoolers still say they want to “Nail that chick.” Cig smokers say “Gotta go put another nail in my coffin.” This is just a bit of fun to confuse the shitty people at your shitty pre-game. But it’s not naturally funny. It needs to be spiced up. That’s why my good friend literally made a coffin out of plywood and left it out back with a hammer next to it, and everyone thought we were psychos. It takes dedication to be that weird in college, but it’s better to be memorable than to have tons of awesome drunk sex….. I think.
Look, this one is just a classic throwback term. Plus “Heater” flows effortlessly off the tongue. It’s a delicious word in general but when it has the potential to kill you, the excitement increases. I love sitting in someone’s basement when they turn and say, “Mad cold down here, Bcal help me grab a heater.” Then you dip out and smoke anything in sight.
#2 Spark The Revolution
This nickname is great, but is very much relative to the situation you’re in. If you ever find yourself in the middle of a PLO military coup d’état, or just anywhere in Cuba, this nickname is great. And a tad bit dangerous. Sitting in squalor with nothing but some cigs, assault weapons, and warm suds, you look towards your amigos and shout “Ecender la Revolucion!” Now watch as the non-smokers run outside into the waiting arms of the government you already pre-warned. They all get shot the fuck up, but you get to smoke a cig inside now. I know this sounds farfetched, but cigs always taste better after watching someone get oppressed by their government.
#1 Old Man / Old Guy
This is one of my favorite nicknames for cigs and joints alike. Few things are more enjoyable than you and your friend leaving a room full of people after only saying, “Hey Steve, wanna help me burn this old man?” Anyone well versed in Bad Lip Readings will get that joke. But the Shoobies of the cigarette community will be baffled for a minute, then they will go back to Instagramming their assholes. Meanwhile I’m outside Grottos with a few good men and a few old guys on fire, enjoying the pigpen cloud of smoke around us.
This list is crazy, and you all probably have your own cig nicknames that you love to say. I just wanted to fill you all in on real, tested instances of outside cig humor that any of you can use to brighten up your life. If we must conform to society’s rules, they must deal with our obnoxious and sometimes incestuous humor. Pce.