We’ve all been there before. It’s late at 73 Cleveland and all the hot girls are shacked up with your cooler friends. You pissed all the so-so girls off with your blatant sexism and thievery. Not to mention the molly is wearing off and you’re just looking for a bit of love. What’s a fella to do? We tried forcing the issue but MeToo sought an end to that. Plus, no girl is ever quite on your level so you come off as an asshole. Then it happens. A feeling I first described as pride but is most adequately described as horny jubilance. As Cmac passes you the joint you lock eyes, Peter Gabrial slowly fades in on the radio, and you just go for it.
That’s right, you didn’t misread that. Kissing men is the shit. I must admit that in no way do I claim to be at the forefront of this craze, but once exposed, I hopped right off my high horse and onto the lips of a mate. It’s the only option now. Too long have my lads and I unknowingly sat around a terribly gay party only to have Beav interupt the Daft Punk with a cry of, “Where the bitches at!?” Ugh, we were right there the whole time. All it would’ve taken was a brazen set of suckers to smack against my cheek and this world would’ve changed for the better. But now I have to write this blog for no money and 36 views.
After my friend Johnson got away with attempting to murder me with his car, all my lads let me know they were always there for me and genuinely cared for all of our safety. You know who wasn’t there? Ally, Laura, Emma, Chelsea, Julianne or even *******’s stinky box. None of the hoes I once loved were there in my time of need. So when the going got tough, I got gay.
The positive outcomes are overwhelming. After a successful bout of men kissing, you never hear the cliched question, “What does this make us?” Because boys will be boys thru and thru. It only strengthens our bonds. Following a nice lip kiss you usually grab another beer or finish the next shot. Sounds fuckin’ alpha to me. What’s even better is when all your mates would rather kiss eachother than the really hot insecure girl, which makes her question her own life; If she can’t get a blackout Jack Mack to kiss her what the fuck is she doing? Not only do we get our rocks off but also ruining someone’s night really gives me a semi.
I could go on and on about this topic but I feel that there are certain proprietary aspects to men kissing that none of you non-gay fags deserve. If you do want more knowledge on the subject I suggest you buy into my online lecture series ‘The Destructive Power of Pussy’ where I delve deep into the female id and examine why they always tear bros apart at the lips. World domination? Quite possibly.
Catch you all later, back to the closet for me. Pce