This isn’t for attention anymore, we all want to die. But in our search for that sweet release, we can sometimes become lazy and unimaginative. Age old suicide methods are getting roped together (lol) with poorly written suicide notes, families are doing basic grieving practices, and now college campuses are trying to stop us from expressing our desire to burn in fire. I’ve had enough of your millennial backwash getting into all aspects of our lives. I can’t even walk 2 miles to the well to get typhus anymore, let alone jump down it head first without someone trying to save my life. Ugh dude lee-me-lone. If you’re wondering why I am the go-to blogger for this topic it’s because I’ve been wanting to die since birth, so this could be my dam suicide doctoral thesis.
Tip #1): Make It Count
Just like first impressions, you can only kill yourself once. What you don’t want is to plan out a fantastic last hoorah, only to get to Hell and have the Devil making fun of you for botching it up. Plan out your steps, make sure your financials are in order, and envision what the scene will look like for the first family member to find you. Remember, this display is for them, so really let loose and have fun. Not the noose though, that shits gotta be tight.
Tip #2) Wait Until You Cure Your Depression
That’s the most opportune time to jump off the bridge. We’ve all heard the stories about kids who battle depression all their lives and kick the bucket. We’ve also heard stories of kids who were seemingly okay, but also kicked it. What we haven’t heard is a story of someone who fought to get healthy for years, finally turned their life around, then stuck up a middle finger and pulled the trigger. 5’s for the next homie to pull that shit off.
Tip #3) Meta Suicide
Let’s get world peace up in here. The best way to commit suicide is to not commit suicide. Stay with me. What you really want to do when killing yourself is to end the pain, remove yourself from society, and take the burden of your suffering off those you love. BOOM. Murder everyone you ever knew. This takes care of all three. Your entire family will be dead, so they won’t be crying like bitches at your funeral. You will 100% be locked up for eternity so society will never see you again. And finally, you won’t feel any pain after the first prison gang rape so that’s cool too.
Tip #4) Make it funny
Last tip for now before I start charging y’all. You’re already doing the most selfish act possible to your friends and family so why would you also add a slap in the face. Get creative. Who’s going to find you first and what time of day will it be. Maybe have a trip wire that activates “Hello Darkness” on the radio so your mom is at least like, “Well Brandon’s there swinging dead from the cross beam, but holy shit Paul Simon can write a fucking song.” Another great suggestion is to fake an Inca ceremonial sacrifice on the steps of a church. For this you’ll need a friend to physically rip your heart from your body, but since you told him to, it’s still suicide. Just think of the laughs your homies will have when they see pints of blood spilling down the church steps and dirty peasants praying for rain. Make a show of it!
Well definitely don’t kill yourself. But if you chose to disobey that, at least grow a pair and jump in front of a fast-moving hearse for irony. Pce.