Before I begin my rant, let me take you on a brief trip down memory lane, to a much simpler time. A time when I wasn’t buried in inescapable student debt. It was the year 2014, and I was still a wee-lad whoms’t could find the utmost enjoyment in simple matters, hardly comparable to the miserable prick that you have here today writing up this text. Myself and a close friend took a trip to the Devil’s playground (Florida), on holiday. During our stay in the Sunshine state, we paid to gain entrance aboard a large vessel and partake in what we thought would be one of the most memorable experiences of our young lifetimes. Shark fishing.
Now, one who has never fished for sharks would imagine that this would probably be the most exhilarating form of fishing, some Deadliest Catch shit. Well, those people would be wrong. This shit was literally a snooze-fest. We rode out a couple miles off-shore so we could increase our odds of catching one… We even chummed the fucking water and STILL waited hours with our dicks in our hands praying that literally ANYTHING pulled on the fucking line. This shit is literally the worst. How come once a year a girl can get bit at Smith’s Point Beach by a fucking shark but here I am in the middle of the God damn Atlantic chumming the whole fucking sea and I can’t even get a glimpse of anything that resembles Bruce from Finding Nemo.
After hours of sitting in the blistering Florida sun praying that Jaws himself would just appear and put us out of of our fucking misery, we finally got a tug. It took us another hour to reel in the sucker, just to find out it was some fuckin Mahi Mahi fish (which actually ended up tasting pretty good). Once I caught the fish, the hunt concluded and we headed back towards land, myself of course as the hero. Now, as a proven veteran in the craft of fishing, I can say with the utmost certainty that I now know why everyone that ever goes fishing just ends up getting blackout drunk, it’s to overcompensate for how unbearably mundane this redneck shit is is in general. Dude, why does anyone do this shit when God literally gave us things like PlayStation. I’ll never understand it, unless of course your goal is to get belligerent drunk and end up with 3rd degree sunburn.