I have decided to take on the daunting task of figuring out when males started becoming soft. While I have not been successful in pinpointing the EXACT period of time when this occurred, I have identified two events in recent history that have contributed largely to this phenomenon. These are: the introduction of the man-bun and the implementation of pop-sockets on guy’s cell phones.
The man-bun bursted onto the scene in 2013 and became a common sight seen on the heads of many younger men. This has been causing gender confusion in older generations ever since. Lets start with the obvious here, if you need to add the word ‘man’ to another word, to create a term, that should be a red flag (e.g. man-purse). This haircut does not make you look like a samurai, it makes you look like a butch Flousie who a some of my buddies would likely try to get in the sheets after a few Redbull vodkas (you know who you are). Any guy who has made the mistake of sporting this hair style has a few options to regain their manhood and stop me from confusing you with my mother’s good friend Rosie.
Option 1: Sepukku
Sepukku is an act that was made famous by the samurai. This is a self-disembowelment method where you ultimately stab yourself with a sword until death is achieved.
Option 2: Castration
This option will help you fulfill your end goal, to become a woman (Feel free to reach out I could refer you to someone).
Option 3: Haircut
This is the most simple option, and will not require excruciating pain unless your taking a trip down to the SuperCuts in Shirley. It will cost roughly 15-20 dollars excluding tip. (Lets be real people who rock man buns do not strike me as the generous type.)
The pop-socket made its splash into the cellular device attachment industry recently, and has accrued millions in sales, all of which should be attributable to female consumers but sadly is not. The ultimate goal of the pop socket is to help people hold onto their phones. Ladies, I completely understand why this is of use to you, you’re constantly dropping everything except for things I did three years ago.
Studies show that roughly 88% of the US female population has worse hands than Jason Pierre Paul (This is a statistical fact based on prior research). Fellas, you cannot tell me you lack the basic hand-eye coordination to hold onto to a cell phone. If you’ve attached this piece of plastic to your phone solely for aesthetic appeal, thats even more offensive to me. I don’t care if your piece of shit pop socket is painted red and reads, “Supreme”, because theres NOTHING supreme about this besides the fact that it’s Supremely embarrassing. Theres only one option here, remove the pop socket from your phone GUY. Rip that monstrosity off of your phone along with the two week old band-aid you have over that paper cut on your index finger which you sustained while filing invoices at your office job; now you can finally get back to acting like someone who has been granted the luxury of having external genitalia.