If You Could Be ANY Animal, What Would It Be?


Folks it’s the age-old question…if you died and came back as an animal what would you be? You got the popular choices (dogs and cats) but I’m more adventurous than that.  There are over 600 million species of animals on Earth (don’t fact check that) so this might be a little tough, but I’m going to give you 3 that I wouldn’t mind coming back as.

Penguin – Oh yeah, this blog is going south in a hurry, South Pole that is. First off, penguins are always dressed to the 9s with their built-in tuxedo so getting changed never has to happen. Also, I already have webbed toes so the transition to webbed feet would be easier than Ms. Cruz’s math class. The cold is definitely a con as is providing for the female but this is where we get to the good part. Penguins according to Wikipedia have been engaging in homosexual behavior since 1911. Some dude wrote a report about it back then and apparently it was so bad it couldn’t be published. Let’s fucking go penguins what were you naughty lads doing down there. Luckily Wikipedia has the answer to that as well. There have been many instances of male penguins linking up and hatching abandoned eggs. I think I would be great at that as I’ve always strived to be a stay at home dad. Three male penguins at a Germany zoo shacked up together in a man cave (literally) and pissed off a lot of people. The zoo brought in females to try and separate them but guess what? Bros before hoes ladies and gentlemen, those trailblazers knew what they really wanted and stayed together in their threesome. Being a penguin seems like something I would greatly enjoy.

Dolphin – Doesn’t being a dolphin just sound magical? Those bastards get to swim around the ocean with free reign with no natural predators except our good friends from Japan who need to make their sushi somehow. Also, I already have webbed toes so the transition to a fin would be easier than predicting Steve’s “what we doing tn” text at 5 on a Friday. Sure, the Japanese merciless hunt for dolphins is a con but this is where we get to the good part. Dolphins have been reported to link up in groups of 3-5 to perform in sexual activity, good start but it gets better. These wild ocean orgies only sometimes contain a female and it’s never more than 2 of them! Just a party of 3 to 5 guys practicing sexual favors on one another so they’re good enough when the real thing comes. Dirty Mike and the boys but in the middle of the ocean, count me in. When they finally do get down to the nitty gritty, the fornication is purely for pleasure. No reproduction on the mind for these protectors of the reef. The best part is sometimes they feel a little freaky and penetrate the blow hole. That’s their nasal cavity for those who don’t know and would be like us having nose sex. *insert Steve’s nose joke here*. Dolphins taking “a hole is a hole” to another fucking level. God I would love to be a dolphin, maybe one day.

American Bison – Had to add in an American species here for those who wanted to keep it local. The American Bison is a proud race, living in the Midwest for as long as we were here. These guys are meat sticks, just pure muscle on top of big ass heads. All upper body workouts as the bison have frequently neglected leg day for years and peaked my interest in doing so. Also, I already have webbed toes so the transition to hooves would be easier than solving a quadratic equation. Sure, the persecution by the midwestern tribes for years is a con but this is where we get to the good part. Mounting is an underrated verb but put to great use in describing what the male bison do to each other. Picture what the dog in Click does to the duck and you’ll know exactly what the bison are getting into. Now what is mounting if it doesn’t include a little butt stuff? Thankfully the bison check that off the list as it is balls to the walls once the mount is locked in. Picturing couple of testosterone filled behemoths getting into a pegging competition is why I just booked a one-way flight to the Midwest. Now for all the females still reading this far down I didn’t forget about you. The female bison aren’t Angels either which makes this species so interesting. The females will mount each other too but only if it is hot out and there is a male watching. Everybody likes to put on for an audience and the chick bison are no exception.

Well there you have it, not the blog you needed but the one that is talking about homosexual tendencies of animals. I’m all hot and bothered after writing this but I needed to put this information out for the people. If you see me out later don’t try to debate this with me.

@conormc21 if you disagree or think I missed any

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