After years of debate between experts on the matter, I have successfully assembled the list of Top Place’s to Have a Smoke. Behold.
4. Nursing Homes
Nursing Homes are in my professional opinion a very underrated place to smoke. This is due to the excellent company one can keep during your stay. Yeah, old people rock. Senior citizens have literally nothing to lose, which makes them some of the most dangerous people alive. If you ever have the luxury of finding yourself inside of a Nursing Home, do yourself a favor, pull up a chair with the first old man that you see wearing a Korean Veteran hat and ask ’em about his life. You will get lost in his probably made-up stories while you share what will most likely be his last cigarette with him, and pray that the smoke will somehow mask the scent of the piss inside his wife Eleanor’s pants.
Another positive that comes with smoking is that it decreases your likelihood of one day growing old enough to the point where you have to endure the last crippling years of your life in a place like this. Win-win. The Con’s of being in a Nursing Home (and likely the reasoning behind such a wonderful place not breaking the “Top 3” barrier) are rather obvious. You’re surrounded by Nurses. Tough Crowd.
Hospitals come in at number 3 of “The Top Place’s to Have a Smoke”, and for good reasoning. Hospitals are filled with some of the most brilliant minds this world has to offer, Doctor’s. These geniuses of the medical field choose to show their high intellect in a number of ways, writing in unlegible handwriting, constantly overprescribing opiods, and seemingly smoking more cigs than their fucking patients. In fact, just today I ran into an EMT buying a pack of cigs at the gas station. You can’t make this shit up. Anyways, smoking in hospitals surrounded by members of such high society is not only acceptable, but it’s oh-so classy.
Church can be a drag regardless of your religious preference, so it is no-wonder why God’s House has quickly become a very popular place to have a smoke. We all know that Jesus himself was a bogie-fiend, I mean take one look at the guy and tell me he doesn’t look like the dude that stands outside of your local 711 asking for change so he can cop a pack of Marlboro Reds. Quite honestly, I can’t blame the guy.. it’s gotta be stressful being the Son of God, and on top of that being hunted down by the Roman Empire and the Jews. I can relate to this a little, as I am thousands of dollars in student debt, and have yet to make a single payment. Anyways.. as they say, “Heavy Lies the Crown.” In fact, the worst part about Jesus’ crucifixion was probably that he couldn’t ash his bogies, due to his hands being nailed harder than that bartender from Applebee’s last Saturday. If you’re reading this, call me.
1. Elementary Schools
The people have spoken, and after much research, and exactly one Twitter poll, the argument that the best place to smoke is elementary schools has become indisputable. Elementary schools share many of the similarities of Nursing Homes, but they have all the pro’s and less of the con’s (nurses). Both locations have residence who piss and shit their pants regularly, and the characters found in both settings can take you on equally interesting fables, due to a mix of unequivocal imagination and a dash of dementia. Along with this, everyone knows that smoking makes you look at least 3x cooler and more attractive, which will prove to be beneficial whilst you’re trying to score some digits from the fresh-out-of college elementary school teachers that are constantly pretending their job isn’t just a glorified babysitting position. On-top of these already appetizing features, the best part of smoking at an elementary school is unquestionably the fact that this one of the few places where nobody will ask to bum a cigarette from you, as almost no-one inside the facility is old enough to smoke. This is especially the case in the Great State of New York, (NYC/ Long Island) where the legal age to buy tobacco is 21. Thank you Uncle Sam.