This might be the most edgy and controversial opinion piece this website has seen to date, and it undoubtably opposes most members of the online community’s preferences, so I hope you guys can applaud me and my courage for even writing this. Regardless of the potential negative feedback, it had to be done. I can no longer stay silent on this matter. Cats are just flat out better than dogs.
Honestly, fuck dogs dude. I’m tired of people pretending dogs are an all around better animal. I’m also more than tired of seeing people post pictures online of their stupid dogs like anyone really gives a shit, or even worse, seeing people in public ask LITERAL strangers on the street if they can pet their dog. It has gone on long enough.
Every single time I see some chick, or even worse some douce bag buy a dog in college just so they can put up a picture on Instagram of them holding a puppy with the caption “Newest member of the family <3”, my blood boils like a closet racist watching Bill Maher. Where the fuck is the love for cute little kittens dude? And, if you think I sound like a pussy, YOUR THE PROBLEM. Society as a whole has deemed it cool to like dogs, and in the process made it beta to like cats. Well, I’m going against the grain on this one and saying you guys are the fucking betas. Who’s at the beg and call of their pet? Not me. Who’s the idiot who has to walk their dog first thing every morning and last thing they do at night? Not me. Wanna know why? Because I’m not holding captive some stupid fuckin’ 70 lb slobbering mut that walks around my house like he owns the joint, dragging his ass on my carpet from time to time. Nope, couldn’t be me bro. Instead, I have a 4lb feline that I see about once a week. I mean seriously, how fuckin’ mischievous are cats. If there was a game of Hide n Seek in the animal kingdom, a cat is taking that trophy home 10 times out of 10. There is no competition. I’ll tell ya what, if Anne Frank was a cat I bet she woulda been around way longer to write more diary entries. I digress. Anyways, if this rant wasn’t enough to change your wrong opinion, I’m about to rattle off a couple more reasons why Cats truly are the superior pet above Dogs.
You Don’t Have to Walk Them.
Cats are a stay-at-home pet, they pretty much never leave the house. They are prisoners in their owners homes, as all pets should be. This is true of course unless your one of those weird people who lets their cats go outside to get mauled by raccoons or hit by cars like Bcal. This is one of the best aspects of not owning a dog. NOTHING is grosser than when you see somebody out in public at a bar or a restaurant with their dog on a leash panting because it’s 100 fuckin’ degrees outside and you decided you wanted the world to know you’re a dog owner. Congrats dude, you’re a regular Oskar Schindler. Anybody with a driver’s license and 60 bucks can go rescue one of those fleabags from the pound. As far as I’m concerned, it is still a pre-Civil Rights era when it comes to bringing dogs into human only places.
You Don’t Have to Pick Up Their Shit.
This one speaks for itself.
Cats Don’t Shed As Much
I don’t know how many times I’ve gone over a buddy’s house to pregame, just to realize as I’m right about to leave, it looks like I’m wearin’ a fur coat like I rolled around in the dog bed for a fucking hour. Lint rollers are a must in any dog owners home.
Cats are silent assassins unlike their canine counterparts who can never just shut the fuck up. I mean come on dude, I’m trying to watch House Hunters, meanwhile I can’t tell if this guys gettin’ ripped off on the tile estimate for his guest bathroom because the mailman rang the doorbell 45 minutes ago and the dog won’t let it go. Stop barking. Along with this, dogs are always crying for food next to the kitchen table and shit like they’re starved to death. Not even Christian Bale in The Machinist had the audacity to complain about being hungry. Learn some class.
Dogs smell like shit.
Cats are constantly cleaning themselves, and making sure they are all around very well groomed, unlike dogs who jump into pools and roll around in dirt and shit.
Cats Don’t Jump on You
Dude i’m 5 ft 6 on a good day, I don’t need your big ass dog jumping up on me and puttin’ his paws on my shoulders to remind me of my vertical impairments. Know your role.
You Don’t Have to Show Them Much Love/Affection
I can’t even be emotionally invested in a romantic relationship, how the fuck am I supposed to care about an animal. When it comes to cats, it’s more of a business relationship rather than an emotional one. Very professional.
Dogs Only Have One Life
This is the most beta of all. Cats are literally and physically impossible to kill. It’s science. These things have more lives than fucking Tom Cruise in Edge of Tomorrow. Dogs are one and done. So pussy.